When Keepin' it Real Goes Right aka The Snuggle is Real (Uncensored)

I made a promise when I started this blog that I was going to keep it real.

The problem is that for the past few weeks, I haven't been keeping it real with myself . . . at all. 

If you've never seen it, there was a skit on the Dave Chappelle show called When "Keeping it Real" Goes Wrong.   The skit always ended with an exaggerated version of what would happen if we really did say exactly what we were thinking.  Think: getting thrown in federal prison, receiving a violent ass-whooping and then losing your home because you couldn't pay the medical bills, etc.

TL;DR: we aren't free from the consequences of our actions (or statements).

But this is about when keeping it real goes right.

Not this kind of funk.
This is the GOOD kind.

Lately I have caught myself doing exactly what I said I wasn't going to do . . . letting my diseases become who I am.

I sat down several times over the last few weeks to write a blog to correct this. I struggled to feel more happy and positive and content with where I physically am right now.  I searched for perspective.  I tried to come up with my reasons to celebrate every day.  And I was failing a lot of days.  I was letting myself get sucked into a bitter/petty Pity Party.  

I was in a major Funk.  

Lately, I don't feel good most of the time.  I don't sleep most of the time.  Many days are a struggle to get through whatever tasks are ahead of me. (This includes my training.)  But, as anyone who has battled chronic illness most of their life knows, life with chronic illness can be a roller coaster.  

Which really means that being chronically ill is not terribly different than just living life in general.  Life is a roller coaster: sometimes we're up, sometimes we're down, and everyone deals with shit.  (How can I forget this when I myself talk about it ALL THE TIME?)

Today, while going for coffee and bagels, while preparing (despite not sleeping much for the last 3 days straight) for another "bunched run" where I'll run 10-12 miles this afternoon and another 10-12 in the morning, I found myself frustrated that my Fitbit battery was low.  

I realized that my only real problems in life are coffee, sleep, and my Fitbit battery.


Of course, I know these are not really problems.

So then this hit me: my REAL problem (the FUNK, that is) was just as much mental as it was physical.

What I needed was not inspiration, motivation, or laughter. What I needed was a big ol' dose of Get the Fuck Over It.


EVERY athlete, even the healthiest of athletes, will come to the point of their training plan where they start to mentally and/or physically become fatigued.  I especially feel this when I get tired of marathon training: all I do is run, run, run, do yoga and lift weights (with one ride a week thrown in for cross-training). Sometimes I'm just DYING for the days when, if I miss a workout or don't feel so great, I can swap one sport for another sport.

This is not something unique to ME.  I am not special. I am not a precious flower.  I am just a person who physically does a LOT.   People who do a LOT get tired.

One of my favorite expressions for snapping out of those moments when we get too sucked into our own pity parties is the struggle is real.  After seeing my cats all pile on top of the couch one Saturday morning for snuggles, I decided to swap out the "TR" for an "N." 

So, whenever I need a reality check, I tell myself this:

Swap out a few letters . . . see how any expression changes from negative to positive or neutral. Sounds like a silly exercise, but it works.

Every morning, I see a gentlemen practicing tai chi in our neighborhood park.  He walks to the park with purpose and flow and rhythm.  And when he gets there, he tunes out everyone and everything and is completely peaceful in his practice.


For all I know, this dude has all kinds of internal demons.  He may hate himself. His kids may have disowned him. He may be flat broke, or have some life-altering, crippling illness from which tai chi is his only refuge/exercise.  Or he may be just as peaceful and purposeful as his practice suggests.  Only he knows the truth.  

It reminds me that we all have something going on.  Some of us just choose to make it public, or to let it disturb our inner/outer peace.

Lately, I have needed a reminder that this is a choice.

And that, ladies and gentleman, is when keeping it real goes right.

BFs, R2Cs,and GDHB's

I think I picked this week to come out of hibernation from posting for a couple reasons. Besides having time on the couch because I'm home sick, this week I had my 5-year scan, and I've had some awesome races and workouts lately.  

I post about this every time I have a cold, infection, or other minor illness: I'm sick as hell, I feel like whining about how sick I am, but DAMN am I happy about it. I probably will barely touch my sick hours, when I used to burn them up; I used to be so sick that even I didn't know how sick I was; and I'll probably get over this cold in 3 days, when I used to have them for weeks and run through dual courses of antibiotics.

I started doing something on social media that I may have mentioned.  I love to celebrate - I know I've mentioned that - for any reason at all. So every day, I post at least one thing I call my "R2C." It stands for Reason to Celebrate. It's something to be happy, grateful, or excited about.

I know there are lots of social media movements involving gratitude, but I also know that in my days - and a lot of people's days - a lot of crazy shit goes down (last night, a brake lamp fell into my brake lamp housing while I was trying to change it, just after I splashed gas all over and ended up at work 1.5 hours later than planned).  I also know that I have major FOMO - and social media makes it worse.  Look! He got a new job. Wow! She got engaged.  ME? I  got stuck at work an hour and a half late, went to the doctor and paid a stranger to get all up in my bidniss, broke my brake light off into my 10-year-old car that I still need to repair, and spilled gas everywhere.

IT's WAY too easy to throw up your hands, throw out an "FML" or two, and peace out.

This day I looked skinny(ish), and that was a reason to celebrate

I believe that being positive doesn't mean you don't just accept the bad, the crazy, the nonsensical - and it doesn't mean you don't talk about it or think about it.  But it does mean that you when you're done with your bitchfit (BF, as I call it), you back the truck up and say, whoa - this is temporary or hey, despite the shit that fell in my lap today, x happened, and that was amazing.

So every day, I think about some little (or big) part of my day that particularly made me engage in one of my single-woman dance parties, and then I post it. The conscious act of acknowledging how many great things happen every day - even the crazy ones - makes me really appreciate what I have.

It's The Big One, Ethel

The 5-year scan is The Big One for a few reasons: 5 years is the marker for what some call remission and what a lot of us call finding NED (No Evidence of Disease.)  Also, we've been following a calcified lymph node in my neck for the last 3 years, so this scan may (finally) determine whether I need more surgery. Regardless of what happens, I will still need bloodwork every 3-6 months and scans every 6-18 months for a long time, if not ever, because of the lymph node issues, but this scan may at least give me a plan for the year.  


I like plans. I like to have at least a rough idea of what the heck is going to happen.

I had a lot of downtime from training and racing the last two years, so I lost some speed on the bike, but I gained a lot of other things.

First of all, I solidified this idea that I want to be what I call a GDHB (Genuinely Decent Human Being). I want to be the kind of person I would look up to. I want to be able to walk away from situations and know that my responses and reactions were void of maliciousness and pettiness.  I have a tendency to get too caught up in my own head - too worried about what others think.  So I'm really working on silencing those nitpicky inner voices and having the perspective that, most of the time, it really is not about ME at all.

That idea is breathtakingly liberating.

The newbies in the beginner tri group are doing awesome.  They did their first 5k a few weeks ago, and the B did his first race since high school. A few weeks when I've been busy or sick, he's even made some workouts I haven't, which is a major first. Whenever I can get to marshal rides or help with runs or pitch in a few hours to help with the tri club, I am there.  I did my volunteer orientation with the local coalition for the homeless and have been working out some ways I can fit money or time for grassroots efforts into my routine. I also have some other things I may focus on and some ideas of ways I can help a few local charities, a few national charities, and just generally be a kinder and more helpful person every day.

Every time I feel like there's a chance to give back and it's with resources I have at my disposal, instead of thinking twice, I do it.

Blogging has taken a backseat to all of these things.  Blogging feels like it's always just about me, and I feel like it's really time to focus on other people and not on myself - hence the #getinvolved and #giveback.  

So if you don't hear from me for a while, just know it's because I'm busy swimming, biking, running, working, volunteering, and just trying to be a GDHB.  And, if you do hear from me again soon, expect that this will be a recurring theme.

On this note, I leave you with a parting thought.  Are you the kind of person you would look up to?  If not, maybe it is time to change. Whether you change something you do or who you look up to is your call.

When "Doing You" Turns Into "Doing More": The Seattle Marathon and the 2014/15 Send-Off

It's been several months, so I'll try not to be long-winded.  (Luckily, all of my thoughts really do begin and end in the same place.)

First of all, Seattle (my 7th marathon) came and went without a real race report.  I can summarize it in a few lines: the day was cold (it snowed the day prior), Seattle was the most beautiful place I've ever seen, and the race was a lot harder than I expected. I had big struggles with dizzy spells and didn't have a PR, but managed my 3rd-fastest marathon yet.

Perhaps I'll chat more about that later, but I have a lot of catching up to do.

For one thing, we have a brand new year ahead of us, and there is nothing I love more than a fresh, clean start.  (Although this year I felt like my fresh, clean start began in August.)

Since graduation from grad school in August, this is the first time since I was 15 that I haven't BOTH worked AND gone to school.  So I've spent the last 4 months doing whateverthefuckIwanted.  This has been both good and bad.  (For one thing. I've gained a few pounds for the first time in years.)

It is odd to just be working (not working 3 jobs or working AND going to school), but I've been busier than ever before.  That's because I decided post-graduation to just say YES to everything I really wanted to do.

And that is what brings me here and what most succinctly summarizes 2014 - and, in some ways, this entire blog.

A little history. This blog began in 2006 on MySpace.  It came over to an actual blog-space in 2008 when I began writing regularly - and, in those two years, I discovered a few things about myself.  The first was that I was going through some really hard times and needed to find a way to reconnect with my natural Panglossian mania for insisting that everything is good (aka optimism).

In 2009, I began giving each new year a theme in my annual old year recap/new year post.  I didn't do one in 2010, or in 2011, but those were some special years.  2010 and 2011 were the years when I began to experience some epiphanies that ended those hard times. I REALLY began to realize I could make it.  2012 was the year of reinvention and I brought back the themes, this time with MAJSicle 2012, but I can tell you that I really wasn't ready to make the full transformation just yet.  Nonetheless, 2013 was full of promise and I dubbed it "Lucky 13" - the Year of 40 Good Things.  I didn't get much chance to work on those Good Things as I experienced some substantial illness within my family.

So that brings us to 2014: the Year of Do You, Boo.  As tough as Lucky '13 was, 2014 was also a doozy.  There was more hardship and loss, and training took a back sit to mourning and studying.  For the first time since I started blogging, I REALLY, really, simplified: I only trained and socialized as much as I actually could, and I cut out absolutely everything that didn't contribute to school or my health or my financial recovery.

And then August came, and I graduated, and another theme recurred.  Once I graduated, I didn't have to do anything but work. I was so excited by all this free time that I was really not sure whether I want to go use it to work out for 2 hours or go to dinner with a friend I hadn't seen in a few months.  The challenge for me was that obviously, I can't do both. I have always known that I can't be all things to all people, but I desperately want to have little bits of everything I love in my life on a regular basis.

You see, there was a second, more enduring reason I began blogging (because, in my mind, hard times are never enduring).  That is that I am on a constant search for balance. I feel like I have to reconcile two MAJes: the social butterfly who never sits still and wants to make all my non-work choices based purely on how fun they sound; the brainy, knowledge-thirsty introvert who really just wants to be seriously fit and educated and have lots of alone time.  I have always been keenly aware that when I do something with my time, I am choosing to forego whatever else I could be doing with it. (This contributes highly to my FOMO.)

Over the last 8 years of blogging, it has become very clear to me that the key to feeling content with my life and life choices relies, in large part, to the reconciliation of those two MAJes and the answer to the looming question how can I fit it all in?

I mentioned that having time to do whateverthefuckIwanted was both good and bad.  The bad: I definitely trained a little less and ate and drank a little more (and, as aforementioned, my weight is up for the first time in 3 years.  That's not pleasant, so you can imagine that 2015 will be partly about getting back on track there.)

But I haven't mentioned the good: even though I didn't feel GOOD, I wasn't as sick as I have been previously, so unfettered by both school and near-crippling illness, for one of the few times in my adult life, I really said yes to everything I wanted to do.  Yes, I was ultra-busy, but this taught me that I really COULD balance it all: the days I don't feel good, the days I just wanna have fun, and the days I want to work out like a machine and train for a PR.  I have managed to "manage" it all while still maintaining a healthy, race-ready level of fitness without becoming completely obsessed with triathlon or marathon.

I used to think that I could either have fun with my non-race friends OR be a badass fitness nut but NEVER both.  Now I know that I can really enjoy a little of everything in moderation.  In 2014, I went to all the parties I really wanted to go to (some of them mine), but I also finished my 7th marathon, saw Seattle for the first time, and logged both half marathon and 15k PRs.

Yes, there are still two MAJes. But I now know that they can not only live happily within the same mind and body, but that the many different facets of myself compliment each other really, really nicely. 

After a full year of really being ME and doing it ALL, I've managed my first real reconciliation and I feel more at home within my own skin than I have in my entire life.

Of course, I have professional and personal goals (in-field work, lose the few pounds I gained, etc.).  I have also already started crossing back over to tri training, since my goal is to have a much shorter "off season" after such a light year.  But I decided that 2015 is the year to really turn my focus outward and use some of that balance and positive energy more and more to help others.  

Get ready for 2015: The Year of Getting Involved and Giving Back.  

To kick off the #getinvolved and #giveback, I'll be helping "coach" some tri newbies in my tri club and I'll be volunteering with the local Coalition for the Homeless.  This starts right away next week and the week after.  In March, I'll be raising diabetes research and awareness funds again for the ADA, and I may do one more cancer-stomping marathon for the ACS (we'll see.) But I'm really, REALLY excited about the chance to share some of my regained energy and optimism with my community.

Here's to 2015, and whatever it brings you!