Forget The Pants

 

Case in point.

One of my greatest guilty pleasures is coming home from my work or workout and lounging on the couch while I read or watch TV, catch up with the B, and Inspirobot with my one of my best friends.
 

Inspirobot is an "AI" website that strings together random algorithims of inspirational and dramatic words and photos and generates . . . life advice? inspiration? insanity?  

Anyway, my friend and I will send each other the most astute and/or hilarious pictures we find all damn night and absolutely piss our pants laughing. 

It occurs to me that I like Inspirobot because I am all of the things that Inspirobot is.  A little wise, a little wacky, a little nuts, a little funny - and possibly not something that everyone would "get."
 

For most of my life, that has been something I have not quite liked about myself.
For most of my life, I’ve been trying to shove myself into a certain role the way many of us try to squeeze into our pants from high school. 

 

You know which pants I’m talking about. Those pants have been out of style for 20 years, but we still want in them damn things. So we pray and hope and cross our fingers and lay down on the bed and suck it all in, but no matter what we do, most of us will not be wearing that same pair of pants ever again.


Every week, the pants are the same size and shape – and, every week, I can’t quite get into them. Some weeks they don’t even go up over my thighs; other weeks they almost zip. Those weeks, I am filled with a panic-like excitement that maybe TOMORROW will be the day that I’ll get into them, and my ENTIRE LIFE is about to change! 

Inevitably, tomorrow comes, and the pants still don’t fit, but for some reason, I keep up this tired routine of trying to be something I’m really not.
 

I’m sad to say my perceptions of myself have been colored by the idea that we, as women, have to be graceful and quiet and calm and dainty and sexy (and a whole bunch of other things that I am NOT) in order to be wanted or useful or worthy.  I’ve been sitting on pins and needles, holding my breath, trying not to burp or break things or spill something on myself or fart or eat too much or be too loud or too fat or too frizzy or too ANYTHING to fit this image.  I have mentioned that I’m a lot heavier than my racing competition – and, when it comes to racing, that’s something I almost relish.  But, in my non-racing life, it’s often excruciating.


Trust me – there are plenty of things I love about myself. To name a few: I have great legs (gymnastics, figure skating, triathlon), a really unique eye color that no one can ever agree on (green? grey? blue?), a ton of energy, a positive attitude, loyalty for days, a greater-than-average problem-solving ability, and a wicked good sense of direction. 

But I’m also a lot of things that this “ideal” woman is not: overweight (no one can see by looking at me how fit I am); frizzy-haired; loud; clumsy; sassy; insecure at times, brash at others.  I’m the friend who’s going to blurt out something inappropriate like a frat boy, have the messy hair, show up dressed completely different than everyone else, and awkwardly say something that silences the entire table (often while intending to do the exact opposite). I am not, nor ever will be, the “Hot Chick.”
 

If life were a film, I would never be cast as the Leading Lady.

As much as we hate to admit it, most of us want to be the Leading Lady. She wins at life, she gets the money, she gets the dudes, and her hair and clothes look great even when she’s hungover as a mo’fo’ or just crossed an Ironman finish line.  But most of us will never be the Leading Lady.  And that’s not fatalistic or hyperbolic; it’s just that she does not really exist.  

Not so fast, Inspiribot

You know who DOES exist?  The role we make up for ourselves.  Or no role at all, if you're not bound and determined to label everything in your life, like I am.

As much as I advocate reaching for the stars and trying to do the impossible, there is a time and place where you just have to be what you are, where you are.  And I'm inching closer to that.


Last week, we went on vacation to the Dominican Republic for a friend's wedding. As a rule, I hate beach vacations.  Shoving myself into a real-life swimsuit is about as hard as shoving myself into those theoretical pants. I hate how I look.  And so many of those things have to do with shit beyond my control: my thyroid acting up, my natural shape, my other health issues. Other things I’m trying to work on: the frizzy hair, the weight, making sure my clothing choices make me feel comfortable in my shape and size.

But we went with a great group of people - a group I feel like I can be myself with for the most part. And, although there were times that I felt a little like a nut job or a fatty or an outsider or whatever other label you want to put on it, that's my shit and not anyone else's. All in all, I was able to just let loose and have a great time with them. I felt like I really "belonged."  I felt like I didn't have to mask or cover up who I really am.


The coco-nuts

I'm finally embracing my role in life: the Zany Sidekick. And I think I'm going to have a great time.  I may even be better than me.  But brace yourselves for the ridiculousness that shall follow, because before I was at least trying to mask the crazy.

And forget the pants.  You look better in a skirt anyway.

Catamaran-ing

The girls

The crew

Before the clothes came off

BFs, R2Cs,and GDHB's

I think I picked this week to come out of hibernation from posting for a couple reasons. Besides having time on the couch because I'm home sick, this week I had my 5-year scan, and I've had some awesome races and workouts lately.  

I post about this every time I have a cold, infection, or other minor illness: I'm sick as hell, I feel like whining about how sick I am, but DAMN am I happy about it. I probably will barely touch my sick hours, when I used to burn them up; I used to be so sick that even I didn't know how sick I was; and I'll probably get over this cold in 3 days, when I used to have them for weeks and run through dual courses of antibiotics.

I started doing something on social media that I may have mentioned.  I love to celebrate - I know I've mentioned that - for any reason at all. So every day, I post at least one thing I call my "R2C." It stands for Reason to Celebrate. It's something to be happy, grateful, or excited about.

I know there are lots of social media movements involving gratitude, but I also know that in my days - and a lot of people's days - a lot of crazy shit goes down (last night, a brake lamp fell into my brake lamp housing while I was trying to change it, just after I splashed gas all over and ended up at work 1.5 hours later than planned).  I also know that I have major FOMO - and social media makes it worse.  Look! He got a new job. Wow! She got engaged.  ME? I  got stuck at work an hour and a half late, went to the doctor and paid a stranger to get all up in my bidniss, broke my brake light off into my 10-year-old car that I still need to repair, and spilled gas everywhere.

IT's WAY too easy to throw up your hands, throw out an "FML" or two, and peace out.

This day I looked skinny(ish), and that was a reason to celebrate

I believe that being positive doesn't mean you don't just accept the bad, the crazy, the nonsensical - and it doesn't mean you don't talk about it or think about it.  But it does mean that you when you're done with your bitchfit (BF, as I call it), you back the truck up and say, whoa - this is temporary or hey, despite the shit that fell in my lap today, x happened, and that was amazing.

So every day, I think about some little (or big) part of my day that particularly made me engage in one of my single-woman dance parties, and then I post it. The conscious act of acknowledging how many great things happen every day - even the crazy ones - makes me really appreciate what I have.

It's The Big One, Ethel

The 5-year scan is The Big One for a few reasons: 5 years is the marker for what some call remission and what a lot of us call finding NED (No Evidence of Disease.)  Also, we've been following a calcified lymph node in my neck for the last 3 years, so this scan may (finally) determine whether I need more surgery. Regardless of what happens, I will still need bloodwork every 3-6 months and scans every 6-18 months for a long time, if not ever, because of the lymph node issues, but this scan may at least give me a plan for the year.  


I like plans. I like to have at least a rough idea of what the heck is going to happen.

I had a lot of downtime from training and racing the last two years, so I lost some speed on the bike, but I gained a lot of other things.

First of all, I solidified this idea that I want to be what I call a GDHB (Genuinely Decent Human Being). I want to be the kind of person I would look up to. I want to be able to walk away from situations and know that my responses and reactions were void of maliciousness and pettiness.  I have a tendency to get too caught up in my own head - too worried about what others think.  So I'm really working on silencing those nitpicky inner voices and having the perspective that, most of the time, it really is not about ME at all.

That idea is breathtakingly liberating.

The newbies in the beginner tri group are doing awesome.  They did their first 5k a few weeks ago, and the B did his first race since high school. A few weeks when I've been busy or sick, he's even made some workouts I haven't, which is a major first. Whenever I can get to marshal rides or help with runs or pitch in a few hours to help with the tri club, I am there.  I did my volunteer orientation with the local coalition for the homeless and have been working out some ways I can fit money or time for grassroots efforts into my routine. I also have some other things I may focus on and some ideas of ways I can help a few local charities, a few national charities, and just generally be a kinder and more helpful person every day.

Every time I feel like there's a chance to give back and it's with resources I have at my disposal, instead of thinking twice, I do it.

Blogging has taken a backseat to all of these things.  Blogging feels like it's always just about me, and I feel like it's really time to focus on other people and not on myself - hence the #getinvolved and #giveback.  

So if you don't hear from me for a while, just know it's because I'm busy swimming, biking, running, working, volunteering, and just trying to be a GDHB.  And, if you do hear from me again soon, expect that this will be a recurring theme.

On this note, I leave you with a parting thought.  Are you the kind of person you would look up to?  If not, maybe it is time to change. Whether you change something you do or who you look up to is your call.

When "Doing You" Turns Into "Doing More": The Seattle Marathon and the 2014/15 Send-Off

It's been several months, so I'll try not to be long-winded.  (Luckily, all of my thoughts really do begin and end in the same place.)

First of all, Seattle (my 7th marathon) came and went without a real race report.  I can summarize it in a few lines: the day was cold (it snowed the day prior), Seattle was the most beautiful place I've ever seen, and the race was a lot harder than I expected. I had big struggles with dizzy spells and didn't have a PR, but managed my 3rd-fastest marathon yet.

Perhaps I'll chat more about that later, but I have a lot of catching up to do.

For one thing, we have a brand new year ahead of us, and there is nothing I love more than a fresh, clean start.  (Although this year I felt like my fresh, clean start began in August.)

Since graduation from grad school in August, this is the first time since I was 15 that I haven't BOTH worked AND gone to school.  So I've spent the last 4 months doing whateverthefuckIwanted.  This has been both good and bad.  (For one thing. I've gained a few pounds for the first time in years.)

It is odd to just be working (not working 3 jobs or working AND going to school), but I've been busier than ever before.  That's because I decided post-graduation to just say YES to everything I really wanted to do.

And that is what brings me here and what most succinctly summarizes 2014 - and, in some ways, this entire blog.

A little history. This blog began in 2006 on MySpace.  It came over to an actual blog-space in 2008 when I began writing regularly - and, in those two years, I discovered a few things about myself.  The first was that I was going through some really hard times and needed to find a way to reconnect with my natural Panglossian mania for insisting that everything is good (aka optimism).

In 2009, I began giving each new year a theme in my annual old year recap/new year post.  I didn't do one in 2010, or in 2011, but those were some special years.  2010 and 2011 were the years when I began to experience some epiphanies that ended those hard times. I REALLY began to realize I could make it.  2012 was the year of reinvention and I brought back the themes, this time with MAJSicle 2012, but I can tell you that I really wasn't ready to make the full transformation just yet.  Nonetheless, 2013 was full of promise and I dubbed it "Lucky 13" - the Year of 40 Good Things.  I didn't get much chance to work on those Good Things as I experienced some substantial illness within my family.

So that brings us to 2014: the Year of Do You, Boo.  As tough as Lucky '13 was, 2014 was also a doozy.  There was more hardship and loss, and training took a back sit to mourning and studying.  For the first time since I started blogging, I REALLY, really, simplified: I only trained and socialized as much as I actually could, and I cut out absolutely everything that didn't contribute to school or my health or my financial recovery.

And then August came, and I graduated, and another theme recurred.  Once I graduated, I didn't have to do anything but work. I was so excited by all this free time that I was really not sure whether I want to go use it to work out for 2 hours or go to dinner with a friend I hadn't seen in a few months.  The challenge for me was that obviously, I can't do both. I have always known that I can't be all things to all people, but I desperately want to have little bits of everything I love in my life on a regular basis.

You see, there was a second, more enduring reason I began blogging (because, in my mind, hard times are never enduring).  That is that I am on a constant search for balance. I feel like I have to reconcile two MAJes: the social butterfly who never sits still and wants to make all my non-work choices based purely on how fun they sound; the brainy, knowledge-thirsty introvert who really just wants to be seriously fit and educated and have lots of alone time.  I have always been keenly aware that when I do something with my time, I am choosing to forego whatever else I could be doing with it. (This contributes highly to my FOMO.)

Over the last 8 years of blogging, it has become very clear to me that the key to feeling content with my life and life choices relies, in large part, to the reconciliation of those two MAJes and the answer to the looming question how can I fit it all in?

I mentioned that having time to do whateverthefuckIwanted was both good and bad.  The bad: I definitely trained a little less and ate and drank a little more (and, as aforementioned, my weight is up for the first time in 3 years.  That's not pleasant, so you can imagine that 2015 will be partly about getting back on track there.)

But I haven't mentioned the good: even though I didn't feel GOOD, I wasn't as sick as I have been previously, so unfettered by both school and near-crippling illness, for one of the few times in my adult life, I really said yes to everything I wanted to do.  Yes, I was ultra-busy, but this taught me that I really COULD balance it all: the days I don't feel good, the days I just wanna have fun, and the days I want to work out like a machine and train for a PR.  I have managed to "manage" it all while still maintaining a healthy, race-ready level of fitness without becoming completely obsessed with triathlon or marathon.

I used to think that I could either have fun with my non-race friends OR be a badass fitness nut but NEVER both.  Now I know that I can really enjoy a little of everything in moderation.  In 2014, I went to all the parties I really wanted to go to (some of them mine), but I also finished my 7th marathon, saw Seattle for the first time, and logged both half marathon and 15k PRs.

Yes, there are still two MAJes. But I now know that they can not only live happily within the same mind and body, but that the many different facets of myself compliment each other really, really nicely. 

After a full year of really being ME and doing it ALL, I've managed my first real reconciliation and I feel more at home within my own skin than I have in my entire life.

Of course, I have professional and personal goals (in-field work, lose the few pounds I gained, etc.).  I have also already started crossing back over to tri training, since my goal is to have a much shorter "off season" after such a light year.  But I decided that 2015 is the year to really turn my focus outward and use some of that balance and positive energy more and more to help others.  

Get ready for 2015: The Year of Getting Involved and Giving Back.  

To kick off the #getinvolved and #giveback, I'll be helping "coach" some tri newbies in my tri club and I'll be volunteering with the local Coalition for the Homeless.  This starts right away next week and the week after.  In March, I'll be raising diabetes research and awareness funds again for the ADA, and I may do one more cancer-stomping marathon for the ACS (we'll see.) But I'm really, REALLY excited about the chance to share some of my regained energy and optimism with my community.

Here's to 2015, and whatever it brings you!