I'd rather be lucky than good, and I'd rather be stupid than sick

Yesterday morning I went to yoga and a nutrition clinic. (I'm off to the store shortly to get some of the things I really SHOULD be eating. FYI, I already knew that Red Bull is the devil. I hate it an only drink it when it's mixed with excessive amounts of Jagermeister. But I didn't realize that cheese is right behind it. It makes sense, though - most cheese is processed to within an inch of its life - but I href="http://cfltriclub.com/">My coach was taking orders and chit chatting with us, and I hadn't seen him one-on-one in a while.

Now, what is important to understand about Hector is that he is, quite possibly, one of the world's most amazing people. He's beautiful, hilarious and brutally, BRUTALLY honest. He took one look at me and said, "You look GOOD!!"

That will brighten your day, right?

Then I tell him about losing the baby weight, plus 10 pounds (for a total of 17), and he's super excited for me. Of course, I promptly tell him I need a large bottom and an XL top - and, without missing a beat, he looks at me and says, "You are NOT an extra large."

The only thing better than being told you look good by a triathlon coach, is being read the riot act for thinking you're bigger than you are. I know a lot of my weight loss has been luck more than hard work, especially with all the workouts I've missed. But I would rather be lucky than good. And, if I can be both, that's just an added bonus.

So, this morning I had a club ride at 7. I even got home before midnight and only woke up once during the night. Then I smacked snooze on my first alarm at 5:00 . . .and didn't wake up until 7.

I started to panic. This is the second week in a row I've missed a workout because of sleep. I have been off the Provigil for a while, and I seem to be getting up nice and early most mornings - this week I went early to work twice and got up at 4 for both a swim and a club workout. So, why do I all of a sudden have a hard time getting up on the weekends? I've been doing so good. Am I doomed? Will I never be able to wake up for early training sessions and races? What if I miss a really big race?

I picked up my second alarm (on my cell phone) and nearly threw it across the room in frustration. Smacking snooze and accidentally turning off one alarm in my sleep is not bad - a lot of people do that, even if thye don't have sleep problems. But sleeping through TWO alarms is just ridiculous. I started flipping through the phone aggressively.

And that's when I realized that the reason my second alarm didn't wake me this week, and for the Disney Half, is because the alarm is set for MONDAY through FRIDAY.

I didn't sleep through it. It didn't go OFF.

So I missed the bike ride, but I was ecstatic. I'm not getting sick again - my sleep is not as bad as I thought - and I'm not doomed. I'm just stupid.

I'd rather be stupid than sick.

I Blame Obama

I blame Obama.

Yeah, I said it.

You know someone else will, so I thought I'd be first.

But I'm not blaming him for anything political or racial or financial or even logical. I'm blaming him for my staying up late and only getting 6.5 hours of sleep Tuesday night while I waited to hear his killer acceptance (and McCain's gracious concession) speech. Because of that, my 7 hours of sleep on Monday night actually meant something (something bad), and that's what caused a bad attack of the dizzies yesterday.

I know this because last night I went home . . . ate . . . took something for my head . . . walked Kona . . . read a little and went to bed(we walk close to a mile a day, every day, and 2 or more on some). I got about 10 hours of sleep and woke up feeling tired . . . but normal. Not dizzy or wiped-out, but clear-headed and drowsy.

I wonder if this is how "normal" people feel every day?

Well, I have 3 more runs for the week: the 10k on Sunday, an 11-mile LSD and a 3-mile easy run - and 4 days in which to do it.

I can get down with that.

I've got a lot more serious shit to share since it's Therapy Thursday (ahh! alliteration is amazing!) but I have to run.

2 Miles. Yuck.

Today seemed to be the longest day in history. I thought I got plenty of sleep last night, but I guess I didn't. This whole needing-9-hours-plus thing is a real drag. Late afternoon came too slow, and I almost fell asleep at my desk. I even had a hard time driving myself home. But I was feeling massively guilty for already missing 1 run this week, so I dizzily laced my shoes and dragged myself to the gym to try and knock out 4 miles on the treadmill.

No luck. I made it 2 on a wing and a prayer (and a stiff leg when it was all over). It is 7:30 and I'm already lying in bed. I'll be asleep soon. I won't even get dinner.

I Just Don't Feel Good.

I would love to run 4 miles in the morning and go to yoga at night for my birthday, but I don't know if even birthday yoga can tempt me.

So frustrated. For God's sake, I'm a marathoner!!!! I was hoping to sit around in my pj's and do some studying. And I thought the meds were helping. I wonder - am I this tired because I am doing too much? Because I have sinusitis? Because I just completed a marathon? Because I just had family here for Thanksgiving? Or all of it? Or maybe I'm just really, really lazy.

Goodnight.

Is There a Doctor in the House????!!!

Ahh . . . Philly. I'm there to have a good time and enjoy the city, and I'm slow anyway, so I'd just tack myself onto the back of the pack and cruise along smiling. All I need is a couple workouts to prep me and I can walk along whatever I need to walk.

If I can EVER WORK OUT.

I swear, you guys. I'm doing nothing. You hear me? Nothing. I mean, my last workout was a 5k run last Friday. Before that, a half marathon. Before that, several 4-7 milers. Before that, rest and injury recovery with an occasional swim. And guess what happened this morning? The alarm went off ok, so my previous problems must have been user error. But Meggan didn't get up. Nope. She slept through it. And accidentally turned it off in her sleep. And didn't wake up till after 7.

<--------This is Meggan Ann right now. Kickin' back. Old as hell. (Sans cigar.) I take about 12 pills a day. I gots my 2 heart pills, my ear pill, my pill that helps everything, my multivitamin, and all my supplements. But seriously. I really need some help. There's got to be something I can do to get my energy levels up. I'm supposed to go 5 mi tonight, 9 tomorrow morning, 4 on Saturday morning, and 16 or so on Sunday morning with a yoga class Sunday night. The problem is, I got up this morning more tired than ever. Last night I could barely make it to class. The night before I could barely make it home. Right now I can barely focus. I have STACKS of laundry in my office that have been sitting there for four weeks because my routine has been: wake at 7, get to work a little late, stay to make up for it, come home, either fall asleep before eating or eat and then pass out - OR- go to class, run home and pass out, rinse and repeat. Some times the pills make me better, some times worse. I know RJ did some studies on EDS and provigil. I can't take provigial and I don't see my heart doc until next week. If I don't do something to get my energy up soon, or get my sleep cycle corrected, or whatever I need to do, I am not going to make it to Philly.

So I keep thinking to myself . . . how was I able to train so hard, so well for my tri season? How did I make it? Couple of factors.

1. Wasn't working full-time.
2. Was working with a training group part-time.
3. Was on leave of absence for some of the time.
4. You people. And the Higdon forums people.

Well, at least I still have the last one.

Reflecting on the Good From The Race

Before I begin, let me just note that a lot of this was inspired by Tea's post. You really should read it. I mean it, dammit. Everyone knows that Tea and IM Able are my heroes.

I relate on so many different levels to everything she says. This is one key idea: "I surprised even myself at times when I really kinda wanted to stop running. I simply turned my thoughts inward and removed all the negative thoughts." The other is that I am DEFINITELY a better triathlete than runner and I do like it more. The other is that I really know the feeling of needing to place an emergency call, only mine was for HEAT! I won't see 30 degrees for 2 more months.

This post really means a lot to me personally. I'm SO glad Tea shared it. As I'm sitting here wallowing in my (very quickly fading) misery, I'm reading her words and Mr. Tea's words. "How many people can do that for a race they didn't even train for?" And I keep thinking: "Wow, why wasn't I thinking that yesterday?" And I'm also thinking, "I ran consistent training runs at 9.75-10.5 paces for weeks. Whether I finish or not at Philly, even though I didn't PR at the half, that consistency says more about my fitness level than the race result."And that's exactly what it means for Tea. Whether she finishes (and she will), what matters the most is the consistency, the dedication and the effort that she provided to get here, and what I think matters even more than that is her ability to enjoy the beauty of just training, racing, learning and growing. What makes her inspiring to so many of us is that she has this ability to see and share the sheer love of the sport that she's cultivated and continues to cultivate over the miles, and to effectively separate the victories that are often buried within what seem to be defeats. Remember that quote she used to have on her blogspot? You have to be an Ironman in your heart before you can be one on the course? I have no doubt that she already is one at heart. And Mr. Tea knows it and her kids know it, and I know it, too.

So, in that spirit, here's what was great about the race:

• Despite weeks of blood pressure readings that would send most people to the hospital, I managed to run 2-3 times per week.
• Despite that and not feeling good (or awake) for the past month, I managed to train at a 9.75-10.5/mile pace consistently.
• Despite several injuries, I was about to build up my long runs to double digits in only about 3 weeks.
• I did this all while working full time, going to college, and dealing with my mental health and pending divorce.
• I made it to the race.
• I logged another 1/2.
• I learned that I am a better triathlete than runner.
• With all that and despite my extended taper (an entire week of no running), I finished the race.
• As Tea said, at least during the race, "I surprised even myself at times when I really kinda wanted to stop running. I simply turned my thoughts inward and removed all the negative thoughts."
• Despite all those factors, plus rain through the first 9 miles, AND despite the mud so bad at the finish that they had to have someone hose all our feet and shoes off, AND crooked nipples, mystery chafe and race crank, I only finished 5 minutes slower than last year.
• I am now motivated to amp my training back up for Philly.

AND MY FAVORITE and what I think is THE BIGGEST accomplishment:

• I ran every single hill with no walking, very little discomfort, and actually passed some people on some hills.

I also learned that sound machines and sleep masks are my best friend. Early bed for Meggan today - I have a test tomorrow and about 300 pages of reading to catch up on.

The Best-Laid Plans of Mice and Meggan, Part Deux

Thanks, everyone, for the great comments on my training plan. I honestly didn't think anyone would sit through that. I put it up mostly to keep myself honest and on-track. You guys ROCK! P.S. - I am taking some of your advice and lightening my "shedjool" a bit.

Nonetheless, I bet you can guess what happened to me this morning.

Yup, I overslept . . . again.

You know what makes me the angriest about this? It's out of my control. Last year when I did my first half, I was undertrained because of my injury and the beginnings of the manifestation of the conditions I discovered this year. (Tongue twister much?) I felt so confident coming out of my Oly that I would just dive right into the half and into Philly with very little concern. This year, I will have a different experience, I swore. And, though I'm not intimidated by the half - my weekly mileage on a regular basis pre-Oly was close to 20 and I'm already back to 3 runs a week - I was hoping to be better-trained. You know, maybe PR. Not hurt so much. Not have to walk. Not get injured again. Instead I missed the entire week of class because the day poops me out too much.

Oy.

Oh, to be normal and for sheer laziness to be my problem . . . but it's not. So I feel guilty for not hitting my workouts, and then I feel guilty for not cutting myself a break because it's not my fault, and then I feel helpless because it's not my fault.

Oy.

Oh, to be a normal triathlete.

Wait a minute . . . is there a such thing?

Ok, I changed my mind. Mobile email is NOT the devil.

Ok, if you know me even a little bit, you've heard me curse mobile e-mail, especially on those nights when I'm really tired and trying to get to sleep before 10 but then get an e-mail about work that keeps me up thinking until 11. Well, that didn't happen last night, but guess who slept in again this morning anyway?

I was so sleepy when I got dressed that I ran out the door wearing a top that was way too tight (damnit . . . even though I've lost some weight, I'm still not back to the size of most of my clothing). I ran by Target (thank God they have a Starbux so I could get coffee too) and got a cheap comfy top. And it was too big, which means I had to go back at lunch and exchange it for something smaller.

It's Friday. Friday is as Friday Does.

Tonight I'm going for a short run followed by a power yoga class, although I could also do a bike-run brick. (Here's hoping time or nature doesn't stand in my way.) Tomorrow's plan is a either a swim-yoga combo or a brick, run-swim or bike-swim-bike (yeah, I know, it's really not a brick if it isn't a bike-run). Sunday morning is a ride out in Clermont . . . maybe followed by yoga. (We'll see how early I get out there and how good I feel.) Monday I rest and Tuesday . . . oh, Tuesday . . . I'm back to running with a 20% mileage reduction for 3 weeks.

Sitting at lunch, I was contemplating all of this: wrestling with my guilt, wondering if I'd be able to get moving again now that I've rested so much, flipping absentmindedly through my phone. I stumbled upon an old e-mail from my dad telling me he'd bought some of the pictures from my Oly, and I suddenly realized how proud my parents are that I am a triathlete. I thought about how they're also coming to see me run my first marathon in Philadelphia. That feeling of pride and satisfaction perked me up. It was like I'd just taken an espresso shot. At that moment, I realized that nothing is going to stop me. Not guilt, not injuries, not illnesses, not medical conditions. Team Meggan is no longer a one-woman show.

Ok, so maybe mobile e-mail is not the devil after all.

The best-laid plans of mice and Meggan

Some times I get really, really sleepy. It's kind of hard to stay awake. I have to remind myself: your body is fighting to keep you from passing out all the time, keep your heart beat going the right way, keep the fluid and grains in your inner ears all settled, and you're borderline narco. (Oh yeah, let's not forget the injured legs and the fact that sleepiness is also a side effect of all the meds I take.)

Anywho, Tuesday night I was exhausted, so I decided I would sleep yesterday morning - after all, an extra day of rest can't hurt the legs, right? So I slept. While getting ready, though, I was seized by an utterly unexplainable fit of guilt. I was running late to work, but I spent 5 extra minutes packing a runnning clothes. I went home at lunch and grabbed my shower kit and a towel in case I got a chance to shower in between work, running and class. I cut my lunch short so I could leave work a few minutes early. Then on the way, I started to hear reports about hail, and I took the backroads because the weather had traffic so backed up on the interstate. Despite my efforts, I got to campus 10 minutes before the class started. (That's just enough time to pee, grab a pita for dinner, and get to the classroom on time.) Even though I had made a conscious decision not to work out, even though I was dressed in my running clothes and it was mother nature's fault I didn't get in a run, I felt guilty for the rest of the night.

Amazingly enough, I wasn't feeling too tired when I got home from class, but I gave myself permission to sleep if I needed it this morning. I woke up at 6am, hit snooze, and fell back asleep. I awoke briefly at 6:30, hit snooze again and went back to sleep. Then I woke up just before 7, and I realized something was wrong.

Wait a minute. Snooze is only 10 minutes. How can I hit snooze twice and snooze for an entire hour? And why didn't I hear the radio? I got up and inspected the radio. Turns out, I had never hit snooze. My body had just woken up and gone back to sleep on its on. Creepy.

It appears I still had the alarm set for 7am (that's when I wake up on rest days) and not 6 (when I wake up on short workout days). I was supposed to go to work early today anyway, because I have to leave in time for my massage, which is at 6 on the other side of town (and which takes me an entire hour to get to). So, even though I made a conscious decision not to work out if I was tired, even though I didn't know the alarm was set wrong, even though I needed to get to work early anyway, I've been guilty for the rest of the day.

I know I can run again. I did it this week. Very soon, I will be back on track with full time training. Half of me doesn't want to rest so I don't have to start over from scratch, and the other half is begging me to take advantage of the downtime and rest. Yet, when I do, I feel just plain guilty.