Wide Open Spaces

This weekend, we had a brush with some nasty weather.  A storm system created a rash of tornadoes in Alabama and the Carolinas – not  anywhere as devastating as last year’s around the University of Alabama, but still pretty bad.  The system hit us late Saturday night and the Sunday morning rides were all postponed or cancelled.  I took a recovery week and rode 25 miles at 3pm instead of 70 at 7am.  The wind was awful  - 15 to 25 miles per hour – but we made it happen.

I was talking with some friends from colder states who both reminded me that they’ve just now been able to put away some of their cold weather gear, and I realized how lucky I have it here in Florida. Maybe 2 or 3 days were really cold (30’s), but we rode in those.  Maybe a few days a month we had really bad wind, but we rode in those.  It never gets icy, or so cold that it’s unsafe to go out.

This lent me new perspective. 

There are many times when things happen that get me down.  It is easy to sit and wallow in self-pity and feel disgruntled, even though I've made good progress on the road back to being my old sunshiney, peppy self.  A while back,  I made a promise to bring myself back into the current moment whenever I felt this way, to try to ask myself if worrying or freaking out about something would really matter in 1, 5, or 10 years – or to remind myself to just be grateful and find something - anything at all - that was positive just by being in the current moment instead of trying to anticipate the next.  For example:instead of feeling bummed about a windy day, I try to be happy that it’s not icy, or so cold it’s unsafe to go out.

1, 5, and 10 - my reminder at my home office

Basically, I try to not be a whiny, ungrateful bitch.

I will tell you this: I am not always successful.  I still have days when I get “stuck,” I feel hopeless, I cry, I complain.   And then I find someone to slap the shit out of me help me gain perspective on things.  I got a reminder today that things in our life – “things,” like money and possessions – come and go, and they sometimes leave empty spaces.  

And I kinda let myself act like a whiny, ungrateful bitch.

After a couple key individuals provided me with my requisite bitchslap perspective check, I thought about how lucky I still am, and how I could still make things work.  I thought about how yoga is about creating space – space that you can then fill with better, more positive, more awesome things.

I've got some wide open spaces coming up.  Instead of feeling empty,  I'm going to fill them with AWESOME.

New adventures await.  I can't wait to tell you about what's going on in my iMAJination. You see what I did there?


And with that, I give you The Week in Song Lyrics.  I am not normally a country OR Dixie Chicks fan, but this one . . .  just.  FITS.

Wide Open Spaces - Dixie Chicks

She travelled this road as a child
Wide-eyed and grinning, she never tired
But now she won't be coming back with the rest
If these are life's lessons, she'll take this test

She needs wide open spaces
Room to make her big mistakes
She needs new faces
She knows the high stakes

Kiss My Asana

Do you remember The Facebook Experiment? 

Recap: last year I gave up FB for Lent, or the Greater Good, or in the interest of restraint, or whatever you believe.  I stepped back from what everyone else was doing or talking about doing and just got busy living my own life.  I didn't even post blog updates to my personal FB (this was before I had a fan page where I could separate MAJ life from Elephant life.)  Then I came back after several weeks and reconnected with everyone.

It was really nice.

I am saying this in advance: I will do it again this year.  I'm getting to the point where I'm feeling over-connected, over-exposed, and - well - a bit frazzled.

So, now that you're warned. :-)



Today was just about the perfect day in MAJ's world.  This morning I rode an amazing 40-something miles, including covering the course of the crit I'll probably do Sunday, at the highest pace I've maintained yet in a group (at least for 28 of it), then came home and worked on grades.   I even got most of my grades DONE.  Then, when my brain got full of grades, I went to hot yoga.  Nothing like 90 minutes of ass-kicking strength/stretch work in a 90-degree room.

While lying in shivasana, I found myself praying that I could bring that sense of peace to my work day, to my exam for my students tomorrow night, to my relationship.  And I also realized something really super excellent: I have finally gotten to the point of my life where fitness has become such a habit, like breathing or showering or brushing my teeth - such a routine - that I crave it and look forward to it.  I look forward to the challenege, the pain, the sweat, or just the feeling of the wind on my face.  Sometimes I'm tired and I take a rest day, or just go easy. 

But I never, ever find myself going oh, God, I don't want to work out today.

It's more like, let me do whatever I can, because it will make me feel better.

I also realized this: the reason I love to swim, bike, om, and run - and it's the same reason  I don't do zumba, or step class, or the ellpitical, or boot camp, or body pump, or even the acclaimed CrossFit - they just don't put me in touch with something else in the universe the way yoga practice or being outdoors always does.  I've done variations of them all,  but none of them help me feel connected to something greater than myself. 

Swimming does - it's the sound of the splash, the briskness of the water when it's cool, the liquid bathing me.  Running does - it's the rustle in leaves, the feeling of my arms moving and feet soundly contacting with the ground.  Riding does - it's the woosh of the air going by me, that harmonious hum of tires on pavement, the feeling of my cleats sliding firmly into my pedals.  And yoga? Sometimes yoga even forces me to dig down deep - or even get outside of myself, of the clanging constantly going on in my head - and face my not-so-pretty parts. 

Good days, bad days - it doesn't matter.  These all make me feel alive and energized and happy, and I feel more completely like myself than in many other places in my life.  I couldn't ever JUST run, JUST ride, or JUST swim, or JUST practice yoga.  I love them all.

It is no longer about how many pounds I can lose or sizes I can drop. It isn't about how my biceps look, and sometimes it isn't even about the times I post.  I've almost reduced my attachment to that, too.  Yep, I still have goals I want to make, but I know if I just keep working, I'll reach them.  (Example: I did that first road race weeks ago and I didn't even look at the results until today.)  Sure, I have days where I hate photos of myself, or just feel chunky.  But now, I don't worry about those things as much as I worry about getting strong - and stronger - and feeling myself open up and connect to the people, places, and just the world in general that my favorite sports help me reach.

I know some people still look at me and think, there's no way she works out as much as she does.  Or: she must not be eating right.  I no longer mind being the person people underestimate.  Not everyone has to get it, or agree with me, because I respect whatever makes them feel whole, too.  I'm just going to keep doing what I love.  Keep swimming, keep cycling, keep running, keep practicing yoga when I can, and keep trying to be as nice as I can be to people around me. And anyone who doesn't like it can kiss my asana.

Swim, Bike, OM.

I've been very open about my love affair with College Park Yoga. As emo, as new-age, as mother-earth, hippie-chick as it sounds . . . when I go there, I just feel like I am at home. When I spend any significant length of time in the studio, I unfailingly come away feeling as if I've had some kind of spiritual and physical awakening. (This endorsement is not paid for in any way, unless you count the satisfaction I get by introducing new people to the studio.) There is just no other place in the world where I can focus completely on the often-overlooked, ever-important connection between mind and body.

Well, besides in the pool, on a good day, thousands of yard, strong drills, good catch-and-release, with my shoulders burning and only 2 breaths per 50. {Flavor Flav}YEEEAAA BOOIII!!!!{/Flavor Flav.}

See, the thing is . . . most people completely underrate yoga. Oh, it's just breathing. It's just stretching. It's just relaxing. You don't really work in yoga. Or, if you're working that hard at yoga, it must be one of those weird "hot" yoga joints where they crank up the heat to like 96.

Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, WRONG!

I can tell you that, on a weekend of back-to-back classes at CPY, there is no muscle in my body that does not feel both incredibly at ease and totally worked. I'm not quite sure whether I blame the upper body fatigue I've got on the 3000yd swim on Saturday or the yoga two days this weekend - but, suffice it to say, the yoga had an impact either way.

And it's not just that. I go to yoga there because it is a place where, without judgment or criticism, I can completely, totally, 100% GET AWAY. I get away from my house, my animals, my worries, New Guy, my job, my friends, my family - AND ME. I GET AWAY from ME.

Believe me, everyone needs a getaway from me - especially me.

I am positively exhausting. The thoughts constantly running through my head, the obsessing, the fretting about tiny details, the indecisiveness, the excitement and excitability, the incessant giggling and unstoppable chatter - not to mention the tireless philosophizing.

You know how our ideas of what we are vs. what we REALLY are are so different. Well, that? Is how I feel (some times).----->

<----That? Is what I really AM. (Makes ya tired just lookin' at it, doesnt it?)

Anyway, since my IT band is still tweaked, I'm not running yet. It was really rough at the beginning of last week (like, drink 1.5 bottles of fucking wine to fall asleep rough), so I backed off from all activity this week. With good results, I just started back to swimming, yoga and cycling this weekend. Hector (of course) kicked my ass today in spin class. Four of us were waiting outside the room, all the bikes were full except the old, rickety one. And, of course, $he spotted me, yelled out my name to everyone and put me RIGHT at the FRONT of the CLASS . . . . on the oldest bike, no less. And he doesn't realize I'm still injured.

UGH. It wasn't as fun as my last class. I got my ass kicked.

But, in all fairness? I needed an (mental and emotional) ass-kicking. I mean, what kind of intelligent, self-respecting girl - after everything I've been through, especially recently - what kind of strong, supposedly independent woman continues to date a guy who has admitted he doesn't know what he wants out of the relationship, doesn't make plans with her very far in advance and isn't clear with any of his words or actions, but continues treating her like a girlfriend?

The kind that needs an ass-kicking.

As I lie in shavasana this morning, trying to clear all the thoughts from my brain (and nearly succeeding, I am very proud to say), T. reminded us of something very important, very basic - something even the most poorly informed wannabe yogi would understand and agree with: yoga is about trying to get steady. Trying to get the mind steady (and, of course, the body will eventually follow). But to be steady, she said (paraphrased, of course - the exact quote is at the top of my blog), you don't spend time wanting to be where you're not, even if that "other place" is "better" than the place you currently are. And yes, I'm going to apply what she said to life and not just to yoga here . . . . if you're in pain, if you're comfortable, if you're happy, if you're sad (if you're boyfriend and girlfriend, if you're not - if you want to be and he doesn't) - it's more about acknowledging and accepting what IS than it is about trying to make everything something it's NOT. And then she added something which, for me, is an even more important reminder about every single little aspect of my life right now and about how completely spun up (NICE PUN!) I get . . . .

and then you have to be willing to let go.

Even if you didn't read my previous entry, that is so eerily accurate for what I'm going through at this place in my life that anyone can see how it resonated with me.

I am still shooting for St. Anthony's. If I can afford FL 70.3 and it's still open, I'll probably sign up for that with my next paycheck. I'm trying to be where I am, and where I am is trained enough for an Olympic to 70.3 and an occasional half marathon . . . no more - and, on some days, that's even the limit. But there are plenty of months and years for me to worry about 140.6 and 26.2 . . . . and, as I said before, it's not like we all know I can't do it.

And I keep moving on . . . letting go . . and being where I am. Still no Kona decisions. I'm just loving on him and working through it.

Swim workout: 3000yds. 300 free warmup. 200 yds each: fingertip drag drill, fist drill, kickboard (2x200), pull buoy, side kick with fins. Mixed with 15sec RI and 200yd free in between. 300 free cooldown.

Spin workout: warmup at moderate resistance. Single-leg drills, accelerators at 15-and 30-second intervals. Repeats of 75-90% effort, 7-9 level resistance: 45 seconds seated, 15 out of saddle.

Ok, I changed my mind. Mobile email is NOT the devil.

Ok, if you know me even a little bit, you've heard me curse mobile e-mail, especially on those nights when I'm really tired and trying to get to sleep before 10 but then get an e-mail about work that keeps me up thinking until 11. Well, that didn't happen last night, but guess who slept in again this morning anyway?

I was so sleepy when I got dressed that I ran out the door wearing a top that was way too tight (damnit . . . even though I've lost some weight, I'm still not back to the size of most of my clothing). I ran by Target (thank God they have a Starbux so I could get coffee too) and got a cheap comfy top. And it was too big, which means I had to go back at lunch and exchange it for something smaller.

It's Friday. Friday is as Friday Does.

Tonight I'm going for a short run followed by a power yoga class, although I could also do a bike-run brick. (Here's hoping time or nature doesn't stand in my way.) Tomorrow's plan is a either a swim-yoga combo or a brick, run-swim or bike-swim-bike (yeah, I know, it's really not a brick if it isn't a bike-run). Sunday morning is a ride out in Clermont . . . maybe followed by yoga. (We'll see how early I get out there and how good I feel.) Monday I rest and Tuesday . . . oh, Tuesday . . . I'm back to running with a 20% mileage reduction for 3 weeks.

Sitting at lunch, I was contemplating all of this: wrestling with my guilt, wondering if I'd be able to get moving again now that I've rested so much, flipping absentmindedly through my phone. I stumbled upon an old e-mail from my dad telling me he'd bought some of the pictures from my Oly, and I suddenly realized how proud my parents are that I am a triathlete. I thought about how they're also coming to see me run my first marathon in Philadelphia. That feeling of pride and satisfaction perked me up. It was like I'd just taken an espresso shot. At that moment, I realized that nothing is going to stop me. Not guilt, not injuries, not illnesses, not medical conditions. Team Meggan is no longer a one-woman show.

Ok, so maybe mobile e-mail is not the devil after all.

Yes, it's another spirtual experience at yoga . . .

So, I went to yoga again at 9am this morning, which was admittedly difficult after all of yesterday's excitement. Yesterday morning's session was wonderful, and even my bad leg didn't give me a hard time - in fact, because of yoga, I felt lovely for the rest of the day.

Not this morning. I could barely do any of the poses. I was so stiff. I tried really hard, but I couldn't. And it's really frustrating for me, as someone who is so flexible that I'm used to having yoga instructors approach me to help me into more challenging poses, to be trying to go into upward bow and hear Calvin telling Theresa, "Get Meggan down, get Meggan down." Apparently, although I look just like this when I'm in upward bow, the way I got into it was not so good.

Anyway, when it came time for shava-asana (meditation), I was lying there thinking my usual thoughts about getting present and trying not to perform and (of course) wishing I was as flexible as I used to be, and about all the sweating and de-toxing I was doing. My mind wandered back to that upward bow and how T&C wanted me to stay down in a regular backbend. My yoga instructors are just like my tri coaches, I thought. Always telling me I'm trying to go too far, too fast. Then I thought for a few minutes about nice it would feel to just be instead of pushing so hard to be great, and I realized that trying to be great all of the time is a toxin itself.

I'm not saying we all shouldn't try to be great, and I definitely won't stop trying to be great (and that extends to my personal, school, tri and work life). But there really is something to be said for knowing when the time to be great has come, and for reocognizing that what is great for you is not great for someone else, and vice versa (3:53:17 is not a great Olympic time for many.) There is also something to be said for being where you are at that moment. For getting out of whether you like something or dislike it. Osho said, "To set up what you like against what you dislike is the disease of the mind." Do I like the pain that comes with training and wish I could avoid some parts of it (like running hill repeats)? Yes. Does it matter in the end whether I liked it or didn't? No. What matters is that I did it.

There will be plenty of time for me to be great, for me to be advanced. I'm not even 30. I have my whole life. What is more important is being completely aware of - and okay with - where I am right now. Because if I'm not living right now, where am I living? In the past, which is already done and therefore immovable; in the future, which has yet to be and is, to some degree, completely out of my hands, but is largely created by what I am doing right now. Refusing to be in the present, to be okay in the present, is denying myself the future.

Wish me luck on my first run since the race tomorrow morning. I know that whatever happens is meant to be.