T-Minus One Month to Liftoff

Just over 4 weeks to Chicago.

In a little over a month, I'll be covering the streets of one of my fave cities -  one I have not seen in great detail as an adult. I'm looking forward to finding my race day outfit and setting up post-race plans with area friends.

(Peyton, my honoree, likes pink and blue.  If you know me, you know pink is NOT my thing. I begrudgingly own a few items because I otherwise loved the fit, shape, etc. and they came in no other color.  But I love this kid and this is HER race, so I would wear vomit green if that's what she liked.)

Decked out in our gold accouterments

I'm also in the home stretch for fundraising. I had a great time this week at the Gold Gala.  Between local and virtual attendance, we raised another $300 for A Kids' Brain Tumor Cure, which means I also am only $300 from my goal with about 4 weeks left.

Funk Engine Kitty is like....
really? this funk? again?

And, even with all this good stuff going on, I've been having a rough couple weeks physically, which has put me back in a baby funk. I have a persistent infection and am not feeling well on top of fundraising, event planning for me and the club, work, etc, etc, It has been hard for me to have a good, solid long run or a good, mid-distance speed/tempo run lately, partly because of all this.

I was talking about this with a fellow runner and massage therapist earlier this week; for one of my recent marathons (can't remember if it was Huntsville or maybe even Seattle), I had an entire training season without that breakthrough run.

It can be really confidence-shaking - to an inexperienced marathoner because you haven't developed that "I can do this" sense of efficacy, and to an experienced one because you know what to expect and you either want to PR really bad or just feel good.  And right now my mental preparation is sorely lacking that run.

Anyone who's ever done 26.2 miles a few times knows that the golden moment of your training plan is that run.

I'm talking about the one that, upon its conclusion, makes you think to yourself
I got this
OR
Bring it on, BITCHES
OR
I can hand this race its ass
OR
I'm gonna own that 26.2 miles IN THE FACE

I had a few of these toward the beginning (my two double long runs), but for the past month or so, what I have had is:
My bladder hurts
AND
I have to stop to pee AGAIN?
AND
Can you come pick me up at mile 8?
AND
Fuck this, I'm getting off this GD treadmill

I bagged my recent 20 mile bunched run (10 miles one night, 10 in the morning became 3 in the evening and 3 in the morning), and just couldn't get farther than about 8 miles for this week's 15-miler.  Baby fevers, aches, and just a fatigue that makes it hard to lift my feet.

I even took a weekend really easy and did nothing but walk St. Augustine
and paddleboard with the club to give myself a break

It has been hard not to get down on myself about not making many of my long runs or not feeling great on some of the runs I've completed.  I try to tell myself daily that I am doing a great job of getting in as much as I can and that I should feel proud for all I do when I am not feeling great, etc.

But sometimes when it is only your internal dialogue it feels like bullshit you hear that from someone else it really is uplifting.

Yesterday someone in my life who is not effusively complimentary gave me the first real compliment I've ever gotten from him related to this.... he told me he was impressed with all I manage to do with what I have (physically) going on.  It was just one of those days where I felt like absolutely nothing I did was enough.  But the pat on the back gave me the guts I needed to keep going on a night where I felt like crap.

My parting sentiment today is be encouraging.  I know we all have people we dislike, have falling-outs with, or who just straight up do us wrong.  Put all those people aside and take some time to just encourage someone in your life who could use it.  I promise, it will make you forget all the assholes in the world when you see just how much it means to them.  You can tell yourself a million times that you're doing your best, but sometimes a kind word from another really helps you feel like you are.

And with that, I'm off to try to rest up for the week.

Answers to questions.

Every now and then, you have a day (or string of days) that brings everything to light. The kind of day that presents you with celestial epiphanies or sparkling truths or great challenges. Or sometimes - and, in this case - answers to questions you've had for days, weeks, even years.


It didn't appear that way at first.


I had the most emotionally unstable weekend I've had in over 4 months. It was a real, call-my-parents-crying-for-several-hours, drive-aimlessly-in-no-direction, obsess-over-meaningless-bullshit, humdinger of a weekend. I was the closest I've been since September to feeling suicidal again. There were lots of reasons: I keep running out of money. I can't really train right now. Yes, I know the IT band injury is because I fucked myself, but it's healing. The gash in my knee from the Kona escapade last weekend, however, is still pretty big, and my sprained ankle still aches under stress -so just occasional yoga. God knows if I'll make St. Anthony's because I have a 3/30 surgery date, so by the time I get done recovering from that and my injuries, I'll be really crunched for training time. Kona is still out of control and split open my lip by headbutting me on Saturday when I was trying to put on his leash (I am buying a harness for him on payday, CPB!) New Guy is being an asshole again. I really miss my parents. And today I got my results from the endocrinologist. You get the picture.


But.


For the first time in my life, without medicine or any real health risks, I pulled through.


My mom actually inspired a big part of this. And all because of these two words: do something. She kept drilling into my head, in between the tears and exhausted conversations, that the only real way to get myself moving was to . . . well . . . get myself moving. I don't care what you do, she told me, but do something. Take an idea and put legs on it. So I did. In two days, I got 4 loads of laundry done, one tub cleaned, the floor swept and the downstairs bathroom tidied up. I went to yoga, read and cried.


The other part of this? Booze. I realized I'd been drinking very consistently again. I usually always see a pattern of depression following several days of drinking, even if I'm not consuming much. And this makes sense, right? Alcohol is a depressant and I have major depressive disorder. Also - I'm facing the last real monthly cycle of my life, since I get my tubes tied on the 30th.


And THAT I am excited about.


And then I started thinking about other things that I could possibly be excited about . . . like how I'm doing better financially than I thought I could.
And how I'm dating again - maybe jerky guys, but not weird internet goobers or alcoholic, controlling freaks.
And how my friends are amazing.
And how I have a roof over my head.
And how I'm in better physical and mental health than I've been in for over 2 years.
And how the animals are doing well.
And how school is going to start again soon.


Sunday night came. All of a sudden I wasn't in tears when New Guy ignored me completely. I even pulled together the chutzpah to tell him off for it.


Monday morning came. I got dolled up, just enough to make myself feel better, even though I was still down. And then I got some more answers . . . the results from my recent tests were revealed at the endocrinologist.


First of all, my cholesterol is normal for the first time in my adult life. Second, my thyroid bloodwork is normal. But I do have 4 thyroid nodules, 2 of which are big enough that they may be cancerous. I go for a biopsy soon to rule cancer out. I probably have polycystic ovary syndrome, and I am insulin-resistant (hypoglycemic). This means I have to go on metformin and start testing my blood glucose, as well as be more diligent about eating 5-7 small meals a day instead of 3-4 larger ones.


This presents obvious difficulties. It's not easy. It's downright scary, actually.


But I see the light.


I see it.


I don't know why, but I feel so positive. I feel encouraged. I feel stronger. Despite the load on my shoulders, which is both lighter and heavier than it's ever been, I finally feel like I'm finally breaking through.


Tomorrow will find me doing what I always do: searching for the right outfit, fixing my hair, wishing I had the shampoo that works better, trying to get the dog to poop before work, wondering what craziness awaits me at the office and if I'll come home to another shredded rug tonight in the bathroom. I may not feel as spunky and sexy as I've been feeling, given my depression and the interesting developments at the doctor's, but I feel . . .

Bright.

Funny . . . the answers to the questions we ask are not always what we want. They're not always conclusive. NG didn't prove anything to me. The test results weren't all positive, but they weren't all negative. And they certainly didn't yield conclusive results. But, some times, the answers to the questions we ask aren't meant to end our search, but to encourage us to ask new questions . . . better questions . . . some times different questions altogether.

And you know what? I kinda like that.

This week's questions are school . . . taxes . . .and training. I'll fill in the rest as I get some more answers. ;-)

WEEK 12/5, Day 3: The Mother of All Ass Kickings

Something has changed.

Something big.

I felt better today than I have in months. This week, my attitude and overall energy level have increased a little every single day. I woke up Monday feeling like a new woman. I was having some trouble sleeping the past few nights and pooped in the afternoons, so I took last night as a rest instead of doing a second workout, and that made me feel even BETTER. Today was almost the usual in PT, except we did more pain management and fewer actual exercises. I just added some in when I got home.

• hip adduction with resistance band, 15x2 each leg
• hip abduction with resistance band, 15x2 each leg
• calf stretch on slant board (3x30sec)
• calf stretch on prostretch (3x30sec)
• torso twist/squat with resistance band (15x2, to left and right)
• double-armed push with resistance band, 15x2
• double-armed pull with resistance band, 15x2
• single-armed pull with resistance band, 15x2 each arm
• single-armed push with resistance band, 15x2 each arm
• rolling push-up on knees with yoga ball, 2x20

Then tonight I went for a hill riding skill session with Adam Baskin, who was named one of the top cycle fitters in the country by Triathlete Magazine in their Road to Kona issue this year. Whoever said there aren't hills in Florida is on crack. sure, it's nto San Fransisco, but still. I did several sets of hill repeats with him (of course, I'm slow as hell on hills, but our focus was technique, not speed). Then, just for fun, I decided I wanted to ascend a long hill with about a 9% grade. I had to zigzag my way up but . . . .

I made it.

I didn't puke.

I didn't stop.

Just the confidence boost I needed.

I need some grumpy time. It's a 2-4-1!

It's a 2 for 1 . . . as Tea would say.

I'm a little bit frustrated. No, make that a little bit puzzled. No, make that a LOT puzzled. Go back here and see how long ago I felt like I was making a breakthrough. Yeah, it's been almost a month since I've been really hitting my training hard. I took my strength/flex work up to 3 times weekly. I took my hill work up to twice a week, now 3x weekly ont he bike and 2x weekly on runs. I took both my weekly swims up to 2kplus. I'm doing drills. I'm doing repeats. I'm doing intervals. I'm only resting one day a week.

And I'm still. Not. Getting. Any. Faster.
And the hills. Aren't. Getting. Any. Easier.
And I am still. Not. Losing. Any. Weight.

WHAT?!!?!?!?!?!?!?

Look, I've said it before, I don't expect miracles. I just expect not to get as tired when going the same distances after I've been hitting them for weeks and training efficiently, or at least to go a little faster when I do hit them.

I know, I know. I ran pretty fast Thursday. But one run does not improvement show. And my rides and swims are not keeping up. In fact, my 500m crossings at the lake were 1 minute per crossing slower last week than they were months before when I did my 2nd crossing. I've even been eating better and drinking less. And I have not lost an ounce. Not a millimeter. Not an inch. NOTHING!!!!

HUH?!!??!

One more peak week to go . . . and then the Oly. I thought after two practice races, increasing in distance each time, pumping up my training, sticking religiously to my rest days, resting when my body felt sick, eating better, working on my form - are all supposed to bring results. So why am I stuck in the same place? At this rate, here's how I predict the Oly will shake down.

Swim: 1500m. I'm guessing 45 min. Bike: 25mi. Supposedly hills, so that means my usual 16mph pace is NIL. 2 hrs. Run: 10k. My PR for this distance is 1:14ish, so I expect 1:30 for the run. This means it will take me like FOUR AND A HALF HOURS to finish. And that's IF I get my transitions right, IF I don't bonk, and IF I nail my nutrition.

Blah.

I know I'm supposed to be happy with just finishing, but I've been training like a rock star and I want to see some results, dammit.