Some People Drink Coffee . . . .

I drink Whoop-Ass in a Can
As I'm sitting here drinking my Whoop-Ass in a Can, I'm thinking again about The Fifth Discipline.  Training resumes on Monday, when I will adopt an 8-week maintenance plan on my way to a 20-week Half Iron plan.  Needless to say, I am feeling a bit on the lazy side from not really working out.  I know I need the rest, but I'm ready to really get back into a workout routine. 

I feel pretty . . . well . . . fat.  There's just no nice word FOR it.

Me at Miami Man at 168
As it is for most women, my weight a complex subject, further complicated by my lack of a thyroid.  I could explain that I am currently at the 3rd-heaviest weight in my life, but I have lost 16 pounds since my surgery last year, that I have lost 5 pounds eating clean, but that technically it's only 3, but even that's not really a loss because it's only a return to triathlon training weight  . . .  and then, as I type all this, something in my head says who gives a shit if people know what the f*(k you weigh?

 I mean, you all know I'm an Athena, so you all know I'm over 150 pounds, and you know I have no thyroid, and you've seen pictures of me - so, no doubt, you could make estimates in your head.  

At my graduation awards
ceremony at 175+

Besides, to be completely honest, I've gotten past the point in my life where the numbers on the scale matter.  Now, what really matters is being comfortable in my own skin - being comfortable in my clothes and in the mirror are secondary.

So I'll skip the fol-de-rol and tell you that I am currently tipping the scales at about 164 pounds.  During my thyroid woes, before the surgery, I was in the high 170s, and at the time of my radioactive iodine treatments, I had gained several pounds and was about 182.  

Me on New Year's Eve at 168
As long as we're talking about numbers, I am proud to say that I have also become comfortable with my body fat, which is about 28%.  Body fat calculators expect women of my size the be about 45% body fat, and the American Council on Exercise considers anything over 32% obese.  Since between 25% and 31% are their "average", even though I am *quite* overweight for my height, I have ALWAYS maintained a healthy body fat percentage through exercise, even at 182. 

As anyone who's ever kicked an eating disorder can tell you, even after you recover from negatively associating all matters related to food, eating, and weight with negativity and anguish, you find that your self-talk needs to be stripped of the same habits (since, freqently, the self-talk was the foundation for the disordered eating.)  And returning to healthy thoughts about eating and about myself have been a lifelong task. 

I have almost completely covered the eating side.  However, even though my weight has become a neutral number, learning to discuss myself in uncharged, positive terms is another story altogether.

It's hard to eschew words like lame, lazy, stupid, etc. when describing even my weekend, because I grew up thinking that kind of language was harmless and acceptable.  If I focus on it, I can easily make non-judgemental subsitutions for my word choices.  But, if I don't, then my subconscious or unconscious takes over and I find myself making less-than-kind self-observations in an attempt to be succinct.

What I do know is this; if I have managed to become comfortable enough with myself to share my trials publicly, then I feel like I've conquered part of the battle.

Me Before New Orleans at 166

There's a great message to the new Lady Gaga song Born This Way.  Love her or hate her (or pop music in general), you can't deny the power of the lyrics:

Mama told me, when I was young
We are all born superstars
She rolled my hair and put my lipstick on
In the glass of her budoir
Nothin' wrong with lovin' who you are, she said,
'Cause he made you perfect, babe
Just hold your head up, girl, and you'll go far
Listen to me when I say:

I'm beautiful in my way, 'cause God makes no mistakes

I'm on the right track, baby, I was born this way
Don't hide yourself in regret, just love yourself and you're set

I'm on the right track, baby, I was born this way

. . . .Whether life's disablities left you outcast, bullied, or teased
Rejoice and love yourself today, 'cause baby, you were born this way . . .

I may not be there yet - but I'm on the right track, baby.

0 tidbits of wizdom: