When You Get to the End of Your Rope - aka I'd Rather Be Lucky Than Good

When You Get to the End of Your Rope, Tie a Knot and Hang On.

 

This quote is attributed to Abe Lincoln, but who knows if that's who really said it.  A lot of things are attributed to the wrong person out here on the internets.  I know, because I've been the subject of a few such misattributions. (Is that a word?)

 

The reason you haven't heard much from me in the past few months is that I have spent all my energy tying a knot in my rope and holding the f*&k on. I honestly have not even been training a lot. Which is shocking, because I just scored a 5k PR, another completed 5k, and a another "accidental" century - got dumped by the group and spent the latter half mostly in my aerobars, alone - good practice, right?
 

My love affair with 2012 was no secret.

Now, 2013, on the other hand . . . I just had a feeling that 2013 would not be the year of PR's and joyous achievements that 2012 was. No, I was going to need a lot more luck to get me through Lucky 13.

But then, I've always said I'd rather be lucky than good.
 

My mom, as you may know, is a diabetic (it's why I am pre-diabetic; damn genetics).  She has been on Metformin, a common diabetes medication, for years.  Many doctors and patients know that Metformin can cause an upset stomach or indigestion. So my mom didn't realize that her indigestion had grown extremely severe.  In fact, she didn't have indigestion at all - she had a gallstone and what was called a "bleeding ulcer" in the old days. I went to visit her when she got out of the hospital.

 

That same week, I went for my quarterly checkups feeling exhausted and they found a mass in my lymph nodes. The endo told me it was probably just leftover thyroid tissue, but he ordered another test, and I moved on.

 

I had just enough time to catch my breath, and we found out that mom's ulcer was cause by the bacteria that causes stomach cancer.  This is such an aggressive and difficult disease to treat, and my parents are the most important people in my lives. I felt like my entire life was crashing down around my ears.

 

I had just enough time to catch my breath, and we found out that there was a spot on my mom's lung and she would need a lung biopsy.

 

I had just about caught my breath again, when I found out that my dad has coronary, peripheral AND carotid artery diseases. Tests revealed severe artery blockages and the evidence of a recent heart attack, and by the time I'd caught ANOTHER breath and booked a plane flight back, he'd had a second heart attack.

 

At this point I wasn't even ready to breathe.  Work has been hectic and I have taken on some additional responsibilities.  I am in the middle of a large and very confusing project with my classmates. And I was about to start midterm exams when all this hit. Mom's biopsy looked good, so getting an earlier flight back home on the way back seemed like an omen of better things to come. 

 

And then I got a call from my vet's office that my oldest cat has a type of tumor called a mast cell tumor, which is a form of feline and canine cancer (his royal fatness, above).

 

I spent several months just trying to re-establish my routine, and then, when that started to happen, I came down with a two-week cold which halted training and I got the results from my CT scan back.  The news was not very good.  Both the ultrasound and the CT showed evidence of more lymph node metastasis and a likely surgery, maybe even surgery plus more radioiodine, in my near future - at the very least, a painful biopsy.

 

I was at the end of my rope.

 

Mental list went something like:

1. Curl up in a ball and cry Maybe for a day or two.
2. Throw things I like my stuff too much and don't want to be in jail for throwing someone else's.
3. Drink heavily Too hard to keep working and do this, and I hate the way it feels.
4. Drop out of class  This too shall pass, and I'll be pissed I didn't finish a semester when it does.
5. Spend a lot of money Ha, ha, ha - and afford my medical care HOW?
6. Give up Are you shitting me?  After all these years of hard work to start getting back on my feet again?

So, I did the only thing I knew how to do . . . I tied a knot and hung on. 

 

And here you find me.

 

Alive.

Still employed and earning A's.

Not drunk - or hungover.

Certainly not curled up in a ball.

No stuff has been broken - mine or anyone else's.

I haven't gone to jail, spent too much money, or been anywhere close.

 

Life moved on - because I told it to.

 

And, despite all the overwhelmingness going on around me, I committed not only to my guaranteed entry for the New York Marathon this year, but also to fundraising again for the American Cancer Society.  Because the fundraising funds the research, and the research funds the treatments, and just about everyone from mom to me to my kitty needs that right now. (follow me here http://main.acsevents.org/goto/maj)

 

Yes, I will keep training through surgery.

Yes, I will keep training if I have to have more radiation.

Yes, I will keep training while I travel to my parents' (I have been doing this already).

 

Because THAT ^ is what happened when I got through all this the first time.

 

So, this may not be a PR year.

This may just be an "I finished" year.

An "I was lucky not to lose anything year."

 

And I'll take it.

 

After all,  I'd rather be lucky than good.

Confession: I Finally Believe That Hard Work and Faith DO, Eventually, Pay Off

Here’s me, being dorky.

I post my latest race numbers in a corner of my desk at work.

I feel like I’m living in a dream. I can’t believe I’m actually doing work at THREE different colleges. Working in academia, especially doing research and teaching, is my lifelong dream. If you’d told me I’d have been doing ALL THREE, after everything that’s gone down, AND this soon after receiving my BA, I’d have laughed at you. I am so, so, so, so, SO immensely grateful for all that’s transpired for the past few years, even the bad.

HR vs RPE (EIEIO)

This morning I had a flipping fantastic run. I went out for about 30 minutes in a recovery-ish zone. My heart rate stayed between zones 2-3, as did my RPE. I was still super-slow, but this was supposed to be a recovery run. (SIDE NOTE: Since I go in later than he does, the B sleeps in extra late. This makes it nearly impossible for me to get up and out in the morning!!)

I replaced the battery in my chest strap transmitter. Instant difference! I’m also trying to blend my heart rate training with RPE training. I tend to push harder when I am using RPE training, but not hard enough when HR training. (If you followed me in 2008 when I used RPE almost exclusively, I did a LOT of PT with shin splints and calf cramps and IT band problems.) So, I’m using the general knowledge of heart rate to make sure I’m not going too hard in training, as well as to gauge improvement, but I’m following the RPE dictated by my training program to make sure I’m training at the proper intensity. (Part of that is because I signed up for the Beginner Triathlete plan that allows me coaching access for the next 6 months. It uses all RPE.)

Tri-ing On a Budget

It’s hard to Tri On a Budget. As you may know, the cost was a huge issue for me in past years, especially when I had a coach. I hated the cheap, fitness-mill gym; so I went back to the Y. But the Y isn’t cheap. So, to save money, I’ve started building up my weight collection at home and looking for a treadmill. I found a local pool that’s in awesome shape and has great prices . . . about 1/5 of the YMCA cost. (Actually, the B found it).

When I can, I put off buying new equipment. I try to buy last year’s running and cycling shoes, and I haven’t bought new tri clothes or cycling shoes in the past 2-3 years. But it was time for new shoes and a new outfit, so I gathered those over the past few weeks. (Now I have to teach myself to put the cleats on the new cycling shoes!) I also got new bungee laces since my aglets broke. (Speedlaces makes one called ibungee). I ordered a pair of new running shoes. (I hope they come in the purple.)

Now I can swim, bike indoors OR out, run, and strength train, WITH the advice of a coach, for less than $19 a month – so all I have to worry about is race fees. I’d like to thank The B for getting me back into triathlon by offering to pay for my “A” race for my birthday. (Ahem . . . B . . . sign me up before the race fills up! LOL)

Living the Dream

I don’t know what higher power you believe in, or if you believe in one at all, but I am firmly, eternally convinced that there is some order to the universe. (Please ask me to return to this entry when I get down in the future J ) There are a lot of lessons I’ve learned only through experience; all the advice in the world didn’t make a difference until I just struggled through it.

One of those lessons is that we all have drama. Some of us are more quiet about it; others take a BALLS OUT approach. Either way, I’ve learned that the more you dwell on your drama/demons, the more power you give them over your life.

People always used to tell me to just acknowledge them and move on; I never knew how to do that. The approach that makes the most sense to me is this: talk with a few select people about your troubles, issues, drama, demons, problems, etc. (Your therapist, your spouse, your parents, your mentor – whoever is the best at opening your eyes and enabling you to see past them). Find yourself a solution. If there is no solution, find yourself some acceptance.

Then DROP IT AND MOVE ON.

And by DROP it, I MEAN DROP IT. Don’t blog about it. Don’t Facebook about it. Don’t text about it )except to aforementioned spouse/parent/mentor). I don’t care WHAT you have to do, once you have found as much of a solution as you can find, do ANYTHING but FOCUS on it. Instead, find something else really absorbing and healthy to focus on. It will move you forward AND it will provide you with enough perspective to recover from it . . . eventually.

Eckhart Tolle put it best . . .

Wherever you are, be there totally.

If you find your here and now intolerable and it makes you unhappy,

you have three options:

remove yourself from the situation, change it, or accept it totally.