PCFR, Day 2: You Can Give Up Any Time You Like

I have not been very happy with the scale lately.

This is funny - comically funny and oddly funny - because so many other things in my life have finally, and completely, righted themselves.

But first . . . today.

This morning I was on a run at Mom's. I got rained on in a white shirt. Now, you know I love to run up here. For some reason, the challenge of running at three times my usual elevation, combined with the freedom in my schedule to run whenever I want, make it so much easier and more fun. I do wish I could bring my bike, but that's a tale for another day. Anyway, I have only been running and spinning sporadically the past few weeks, so the idea of tackling a nearly-4-mile run full of hill repeats was . . . a little brave.

So why not start throwing my strength routine back together, too?
Hmmm? Why not? I have to go back to it some time.

The scale and I are currently at odds, as I mentioned. So are my clothing and I - I'm wearing what I call my "in-between size," which is

just shy of my "fat size." My skinny clothes feel like they're chewing on me so I try to avoid them. And my training? Yeah, let's just call that what it is - non-existent.

But mom and dad walk every day, almost 3 miles, so I'm moving - whether I liked it or not. And, one of the last things I told my mom before I left to come up here was, "I don't care what excuses you hear from me, you'd better make me get off my ass and run in the mornings." (Why can't I be this dedicated and determined when I'm at home - where I have access to weights, lower elevation, etc.? Probably because my schedule is packed with other things that will never fill it here - school, work, friends, best boyfriend ever(more on that later) - but still . . . .)

This morning, I beat everyone out of bed, and (despite no weight equipment) tackled 3 sets of squats, 3 sets of lunges (each leg), 3 sets of regular crunches, 3 sets of crunches with oblique crunches, and 3 sets of girl's pushups (le sigh . . .used to get in at least a full set of men's.) Then we headed out between rain drops to run. I forgot my heart rate monitor,

so I was gauging my progress completely by feel. I had to stop and walk some of the hills, because I could tell my heart rate was skyrocketing, but other than that? I felt really good.

As I was running down the street, kind of hurting, trying to decide if I felt like a walk break, I had this conversation with myself that went something like, "Do you want to walk?" "Don't stop." "Well, you can give up any time you like. No one's going to know or care but you."

That's the whole truth - right there. That sums up everything about the last 6 months of my life. Yes, I've wanted to give up. And I've come really close. But who would know or care - except me? People have even told me after everything you've been through, I would have given up. Or I just don't see how you do it. I couldn't do everything you do. Since things were once so rough, I now take pride in the little things I used to take for granted, like doing my budget on time, cleaning my house inside out, and not letting my mailbox get too full. But I didn't give up, and it really hit me today while I was running: I have nothing to complain about.

Of course I do have things that still aren't going as I'd like, but NOW - NOW those things are in my control. Instead of being frustrated because I was battling my own self-discipline and forgetfulness PLUS illness and Tony's drama, now I'm really only battling the occasional illness and a little bit of my own lack of get-up-and-go.

I can so totally handle that.

And now I'm back to class and trying to plan a training schedule after a week of not feeling great and spending almost 7 days in a row at the NG's house. More on thoughts about the training, the school and NG. For now, know that training is slow, school is intimidating (PhD program information overwhelming much?) and NG has finally stepped up to the plate . . . in ways no one has imagined. (I didn't refer to him as best boyfriend ever for nothing.)

I'll be here 5 more nights and 4.5 more days. I have plenty of time to fill you in.