Are you there, blog? It's me, Meggan

I wasn't kidding when I said I was going to take a hiatus....I just didn't expect it to be so short.

I guess I need support more than I need privacy right now. And, since I have a penchant for saying what most people think (but won't say), I feel like talking about what I'm going through - not only because people don't seem to want to talk about it, but because it is the best way to maintain my authenticity. Besides, through blogging mostly to hear myself talk (type?), I've somehow developed a few really good listeners. And, slowly, over the last two years, the listeners have turned into friends. So, I'm going to talk about it specifically and literally once, and then I'm going to move on. It's too large to be completely forgotten or ignored, so it would be foolish for me to pretend it can be forgotten or brushed away, but I'd prefer not to dedicate any further discussion directly to the subject.

One of the reasons for the hiatus is that I lost the baby. I'm dealing with it so much better than I expected, although I'm not exactly sure what my reaction is supposed to be. Physically, I feel sore and vaguely bloated, very uncomfortable, some times nauseous and plagued by other GI distress - but the pain isn't anywhere close to what it was, which was a 10 on a scale of 1 to 10. And I'm very tired - mentally and emotionally, too - but I'm having a hard time both "resting" and sleeping. My brain will not shut off. I used to cover everything in alcohol, athletics and apathy, but I realize that, with everything I've experienced over the last few years, none of those options is viable. I am, like "real people," going to have to do as my mom says and "put on my big girl panties and deal with it." I am full of emotions and thoughts. Oddly, I'm having a hard time sleeping alone, and I have an unreasonable desire to ask someone to stay the night with me so I can sleep. My friends have all been more than supportive, but that's stretching it a bit far. I'm almost 25 years old, for God's sake. (Seriously, you know that's not my real age, but it's what I some times tell people who don't know better.) (See? Still have some humor left.)

There's also a need for a return to my "normal life" that is impossible to ignore. While I obviously require some recovery time, I've only missed one day of work - and hopefully it stays that way - and I'm looking ahead to see what I can do training-wise on a limited budget and, looking forward, if it would be good for me to fill the near future (i.e. the next 6-8 months) with a more costly and time-consuming race to bring me back to focus.

I'm not in a hurry, though. For the first time in my life, I'm content to just take advantage of some additional rest, to follow the recommended recovery period, not to return to training full-force. I recognize the way I have, at some times in the past, applied training like a band-aid for the "broken" parts of my life. But Sherpa and life with him also prevented me from seriously sticking to my schedule, so I know my return to training will be something of a relief, and much easier to follow, when it comes.

In advance and arrears, I thank you all for your continued support. I'm sure I will be "back" in very little time. It's just bridging the gap between this and the other obstacles in my life that will require some effort. I imagine it will be something like...oh...eating an elephant.

And there's only one way to eat an elephant, right?

One bite at a time.
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