Just Call Me Murphy, Part 2. (2 posts in a day, I know . . .)

Side note: eating more has REALLY helped my medical issues. I'd been shorting myself around 500 calories a DAY - and not on purpose, because I've always leaned towards the binging side, not the starving side. I call this effect being "brainwashed by Weight Watchers." No, I'm not going for a lawsuit - it's just that so many conventional "diet" programs have women convinced that we only need 1200-1500 calories a day plus exercise if we want to lose weight, or 1500-1800 if we're REALLY ACTIVE. And I bought it. As smart as I can be, I BOUGHT IT!! The concept of injecting another 300-1000 calories a day to my diet made me absolutely stymied. As many times as I read Nancy Clark's book about eating for marathoners, I just couldn't understand how I could NEED more than 2000 calories a day and still get back to my "normal" size. But my body was clinging to everything I had because it was CONVINCED I was STARVING. Now I feel a lot more awake and alert and I've dropped 5 pounds. I still have a long way to go, but I'll take what I can get.

ANYWAY.

I have a lot going on behind the scenes laetely - I just haven't felt like writing about it. I can't come up with the energy and work is pretty restrictive for personal stuff. I've been lurking on a lot of people's blogs and not really posting. (TriTurl, Tea, IM Able, CPB, Todd, Duane and so many more . . . I'm waiting with baited breath to hear your wedding news, Ironman news, food news, girlfriend news - you all know what I mean.) I've been shuffling things mentally, physically and financially. My personal life is picking up in many ways: I was finally able to sever some stifling connections and mend some others, but that brought me some new challenges as well.
And I've figured out some big things that helped me seriously manage my lifestyle with my responsibilities. For example, I only have 6 classes left if I dump my two minors, 8 if I don't (but, either way, I made myself a promise to graduate next year and start grad school the following year). But, most of all, I've learned what IM Able calls "Murphy's Law of Blogging." That is, "if you blog about it, it will change."

Well, a lot of reallllllly huge things have changed in my life and training life, and I feel like making a mention of them. Maybe this is because I just saw a friend damage his career, partly because he falsified crucial information. It wasn't HUGE info, just enough to create a situation that made key players wonder which other information he might be falsifying. The truth is, without divulging what I'm not supposed to know about the sitch, I don't even think he knew it was falsifying. And there's the other scary thing about blogging (aside from being unable to control readers' reactions/opinions.) When we blog, we blog about the moment. How we're feeling and thinking that second. If we grow as human beings, in any way shape or form, things change. Some times these are huge things; some times they are small. So, you may blog about something one day/year, and the next second, it may be completely different.

Take Sherpa, for example. About a month ago, I was in complete denial about our relationship (which I only called a 'ship). I wouldn't even tell my friends about it for fear of what they'd say. A few conversations with my mom and some really good friends made me realize I was being a little on the shallow - and a lot on the wussy - side. I sacked up and decided to just let it be what it was. Nothing more, nothing less. A big lesson for me in my little all-or-nothing, black-and-white brain: that is, to be what I am - nothing more, nothing less - does not mean I cannot be or do not want to be more. It just means I know what I am and what I am not. (God, do I need yoga. I've had to cut my instructor-led classes to afford other triathlon expenses and it's a BUMMER.)

In any case, it made me think of some statements I've made over the last year and how much my opinion has changed. In no particular order, here they are:
  • I'm not racing Athena any more because I'm going to be too light anyway - and I want to be fast because I'm fast, not because I'm fat.

When I got into nationals, I realized that, when you're as slow as I am, any win is a win.

  • I'm not going coached again until I go Iron.

I am just not wise enough (yet) to completely do without coaching, and my coach *has* to be a local coach and/or I have to train with a group part-time. This is financial and emotional, but it is what it is.

  • I'm going Iron by 2010 and getting my PhD by 2013.

These two are still up for debate. The truth is, when you have to start thinking more of yourself and of life's bare essentials (and triathlon and divorce BOTH make you do a LOT of that), you start to realize that some - not all, but SOME - big, lofty goals are a luxury. Doesn't make them impossible . . . just improbable. Both of those goals are still dear to my heart - but I don't consider them priorities or distinct possibilities right now.

Settling down isn't always settling. Doing less doesn't always mean you ARE less. Some people have been trying to tell me this for months (or years). But it's slowwwly starting to make its way through my thick skull.

One bite at a time, baby. One bite at a time.

3 tidbits of wizdom:

IM Able said...

Go get your metabolism checked. I got mine done at my Y for like 15 bucks. If I'm standing still and only breathing for an entire day, I burn 1750 calories. Just being alive. If I walk, go to work, take stairs, blah, blah, I'm burning 2,250. That's BEFORE I exercise.

I've just come to realize I'm so not part of what "average" and "usual" is in this world!

Alili said...

What a fantastic post. It sounds like you are making great strides all over the place! I just started seeing a sports nutritionist-I am learning how to turn off the 'girl switch' that tells me not to eat too much. It's a fine line though because part of me says EAT, like I earned all of this food because I worked out. Calories in should equal calories out...sounds so simple and yet putting into practice is so consuming!

Okay, I'll stop rambling!

b said...

Hey MAJ :-) thanks for the note in my blog the other day especially about the lower HR values...my HR was always run like a torquey diesel engine ;-) RHR is still around 34 to 36 bpm...anywho love the blog plus we gotta keep an eye on Tea this coming weekend at CDA!!!

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