The futile search for perfection continues.

Comedy of errors or disaster? You decide.

By all measures, last night should have been the perfect training night. I left work right at 5; traffic was great and I was home before 6. (My temporary commute of 20+ miles each way is killing me, but I'm making the most of it, flip-flopping between packing every night so I can hit the Y here and going straight home for my outdoor rides.) I had decided to ride in my neighorhood and lift weights at my complex's gym to keep my schedule streamlined and get to dinner and in bed before 10. There was still light out, but I had my clip-on flashing beacon for the later part of the ride. When I pulled into my driveway, I was pumped, ready to slap on my shorts and run, because everything inside my house was packed and ready to go.

Except my house keys.

After several panicked moments of digging through my purse, I realized that, after Tuesday night's workout, I had left them in my swim bag (my locker key is on the same key ring). I made a panicked call to my ex-husband (now roommate) to find out when he was going to be home to let me in. Not until much later, he told me. Like, 8 or 9 later. NOT GOOD. 9 or 10 is when Meggan needs to be in bed. Lack of sleep has seriously hindered my training in the past, and I really need to catch up on it, because I frequently find myself unable to sit up straight by Friday afternoon. What's my next option? I thought. Try to sneak in the garage?

Perfect!

Nope. My garage door opener was not working. Which meant I was dead in the water. That phone call and a quick run to CVS for a couple of Clif bars and some batteries set me back nearly an hour, destroying my chances of working out and eating before bedtime. (Bear in mind that we have an exterior-access keypad, but my ex-husband has the owner's manual and never bothered to look up how to re-set the code or find the manual for me so I could do it. Just like the fridge and freezer aren't working and he hasn't fixed them. Just like he didn't have the lock repaired on the front door. Just like the re-key didn't quite take on one of the doors and he hasn't had it fixed. Just like he hadn't fixed both garage door openers when all they needed was batteries.) Anyway. I basically puttered around until he came home, then sent a panicked e-mail to The Elf about my schedule.

I guess I'm so used to being self-educated, trained and coached that I keep overthinking everything. Maybe this goes along with the compulsive tendencies that manifest themselves in my disordered eating, but I worry about everything, and training is no exception. In fact, training is an even greater concern some times. Perhaps the heightened sensitivity is in direct proportion to the relevance I've placed on this goal (the completion of my first 70.3, something I've never even dreamed possible, but finally see within my grasp, thanks to my coach and the IronDawn and the last few years of training and the support of you guys). There are really two parts to my biggest training-related fears: the things I can control, and the things I can't. I know it is irrational to fear things I can't control, but I do. My GREATEST fear, every day, is what happens if I can't make my workout(s) today?!!! This inevitably leads to Oh my God! I will have to miss FL HIM!!!

This is illogical. First of all, 2008 FL HIM is not the last 70.3 I will ever enter. I missed my first marathon (Mercedes, Birmingham, mountains, February) and ended up training better and being more prepared for Philly later in the year (flatter, cooler, November, more things to do.) And, it seems like common sense that, when my schedule is tight, doing anything on my training schedule is better than doing nothing, but I didn't realize that completely until The Elf reminded me at the beginning of the season. Then I felt like . . . DUH . . . Meggan . . . you've always felt that way about working out. For example, every day I park in the farthest parking spot and take the stairs to/from my 2nd story office (no exceptions!) Second, I have lots of health problems, right now I have some drama, and I'm in between two sides of town commuting 50 miles a day or more. So there is a LOT I can't control. Worrying about it does nothing but stress me. And stress does nothing but destroy the quality of my training. (AND my life, but training is my favorite part of my life right now.)

As far as the things I can control? One thing I'm doing, starting today, is putting my gym locker key and my house key on different key rings, so if I ever leave my gym locker key in one of my workout bags my house keys are not stuck somewhere inside with it! I'm also carrying a "laundry" bag with me, so no matter where I am, I don't have to take my pre-packed swim and gym bags inside - I just take the dirty stuff to/from the house. Then the only thing I will have to "take" from home is my bike and fresh shorts/tops/pants, whatever.

The moral of the story? The search for perfection is futile. Continually striving for it will only set me up for dissapointment and/or failure. I can only reach for the best I can do. I can only give as much as I can give. Whatever isn't in my control - and even I'm not in my own control some times - is also beyond my knowledge. All I can do is deal with it as it comes and steer around it the best I can.

I am, after all, at the helm of this ship.

2 tidbits of wizdom:

Tea said...

Your final comment is dead-on!

Remember, you have time. Everything will come together. You gotta believe...if only because I have to be right at least ONCE in my life. ;)

rebecca hallin said...

keep up the good work. It is all so worth it. I am a friend of Duane here in Denver area. I did my swim laps the other early am and he was there doing his too. If he can do his laps I can do mine too.

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