Some Unholy War

This Halloween, me and my BFF are going dressed as the two of the world's most famous BNR (Bitches in Need of Rehab). No, we're not going as ourselves - we're going as Amy Winehouse and Britney Spears. Since I bear more resemblance to Shitney, that's who I get to impersonate. I can't really stand Britney, so it will be fun to make her look bad. However, in spite of (or maybe because of) her need for rehab, it's no secret that I'm a big Wino fan.

Maybe I sympathize. I've been writing songs since I was about 11, so I don't believe you can be a great singer/songwriter without some serious drama in your life. Ever heard her song Some Unholy War? Talks about standing behind her man while he battles his own dramas (presumably drug addicition, since she and her man are both, quite famously, in Need of Rehab). My favorite lines go:

We put it in writing
But who you writin' for?
Just us on kitchen floor
Justice done, reciting
My stomach standing still
Like you reading my will
He still stands, in spite of what his scars say
And I'll battle till this bitter finale
Just me, my dignity, and this guitar case

That song could have been written about how I feel right now. I put all my goals in writing - but who was I writing for? Just me, sitting on the kitchen floor? Or in my Prius (which still smells of wet shoes from the Half, by the way - EW), on the way back from my doctor, crying hysterically and beating the steering wheel? Justice done (we can't do nothin' for ya - some justice), reciting I wish I could go into the military, because at least then I might die for a noble cause instead of having to do the job myself. Yeah, my stomach was standing still, and considering the talk going on in my head, pretty much like you reading my will.

Well, I still stand, in spite of what my scars say. And I will battle till this bitter finale. But it will be just me, my dignity, and my stinky running shoes.

So what does that mean? Does that mean I'll be running Philadelphia? Maybe. But it'll probably be more on ambivalence than on heart, cause I don't have much heart left. And what heart I do have is heavily medicated.

1 tidbits of wizdom:

Ace said...

Meggan, you got to look on the brighter things of life, dear. I know you're down in the dumps, but just remember it could always be worse. I mean, you love to run, right? There are people in wheelchairs or missing legs that wish they could walk let alone run. Believe me when I say this, at your times of feeling depression, take a step back and be thankful for what you do have. Your ambitions are definately admirable and courageous. You're beautiful person inside and out, and from what I can see, (or read!) you have great friends, and countless goals you've achieved. But remember goals aren't necessarily to be met...just to make you a better person. There's no need to get all this anxiety over the small things. I can tell you're better than that. I used to be real hard on myself, kinda like what you're doing now. Honestly, I don't know what it was that changed it for me. I know when I was in Alaska for 2 years, I had a lot of time to relax, and reflect on my life, and what I really wanted out of it. So then it brings me to this question...what's stressing you so much that you can't get any rest? Well, this is long enough I'd say...LOL. Keep your chin up, hun.

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