Ever noticed how people with really big problems keep insisting they're ok when they're not?

Everyone can spot a person with issues from 10 miles away. Even I can, and I have issues. But one thing I've noticed is that people who are really, really deep in their problems seem to think they're doing better than they are. You know who I'm thinking of - the Amy Winehouses and Britney Spearses and Lindsey Lohans of the world. They're always in interviews saying "I'm really good now, it was just a phase," or "I just want people to cut me a break," or, "No, I really just had some stuff I had to go through." Then, a week or two later, they're photog'd going buckwild, boozin' at a club, or they're in a drunken brawl with a husband, or they're rumored to have attempted suicide.

Now, I should be better because I actually know I have issues. This weekend, for example. I got completely and totally obliterated. I'm talking, wound up in a cab with people I didn't know, had to look at street signs to remember where I was, think I mighta kissed a girlfriend but not sure, fell 7 times. And I'm not supposed to drink. Here are some of the reasons.
  1. Alcohol gets in my inner ear and makes my vertigo worse.
  2. Alcohol makes my heart arrythmias worse.
  3. Alcohol dehydrates me and makes me tendency to faint due to NCS worse.
  4. Alcohol causes weight gain.
  5. Alcohol causes depression.
  6. Alcohol contradicts my triathlon and marathon training.
  7. Alcohol is not supposed to be consumed with my prescription drugs. (Hello . . . . valium, booze, AND anti-depressants?? Is it any wonder I'm falling 7 times in one night and depressed half the time?)

Listen, I know I have issues. But, thank God, I probably think they're worse than they really are . . . because I know I have them. Please, if I ever start denying my problems . . . lock me up.

Thank you.

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