Childrens do learn . . . as the prez sez

I have to be honest: I've been pretty low the past few days. I've had a hard time keeping my head up - not just emotionally, physically. I have very little focus. I can't wake up in the mornings even though I sleep 10 hours. I'm sleepy all day. I'm not making the long runs I need to make - may not make any runs today. I have broken blood vessels in my eyes from Saturday night ('nuff said). Therapy's lookin' mighty fine, and if Amy Winehouse suggested Rehab, I wouldn't say "no, no, no."

Oh, yeah. It's that bad.

Then today, BD confides in me that he is trying to run from his dark side. I immediately think: I wish he wouldn't.

We all have a dark side. Take me, for example: I was baked with a loud mouth and an addictive personality, plus a touch of perfectionism. Slap that together with some physical weaknesses and a pinch of ADD, frost it with insecurity, and you've got yourself one ugly little cake.

But what would I be without all that ugliness?

Without the loud mouth, I wouldn't stand out - I would be just another short, thick chick in a sea of short, thick chicks. Without the addictive personality, I would never have found myself loaded, wandering through Cancun looking for El Masquerado del Plata, and subsequently having to pay 50 pesos to use a bathroom with no toilet seats or doors and only one square of TP. (You just can't write a funny story like that.) Nor would I find myself obsessively training for some ridiculously difficult races, which have taught me some of my greatest lessons about life, discipline and determination. The physical weaknesses have taught me about determination, too, and about the importance of listening to and respecting my limits. The ADD allows me to multitask like it's nobody's business, and the insecurity is frequently my impetus to strive for more, better, happier, saner, prettier, stronger days.

If you believe in a greater power - whether that power is God, Jehovah, Allah, Yahweh or the Universe - or even if you just have a pretty solid sense of self - you probably believe that things were created to be special (or even perfect) just the way they are. So, if you wish away part of yourself, what are you telling everyone (including you)?

I don't like me. I'm not good enough.

Well, to quote my dad, "That's just hooey." I mean, can't we all use some self-improvement? Some of us (ahem, me) sit and ponder life's grand plan on our afternoon breaks, when we're feeling low or when we're working out. Others don't stop to think of it at all - they simply accept what's coming their way and adapt themselves as needed. Either way, we can all use a little boost. No one on earth is perfect, and if you believe you are, or if you believe you can be, then you have way more to work to do than I ever will.

I choose to believe that everything we have, everything we've done, seen, are, is a necessity. Without those dark spots, our light would never shine very clearly. After all, the moon looks pretty dull when the sun's out. Can't even see it, can you?

As for the half, I'm (for some reason) not worried much about erring on the side of under-training. My 5-7 miles runs, although they're half the distance of the race, feel so strong overall that I am sure I'll be fine. It's not like this is my first half, either, so I know what to expect. And I'm hoping my overall level of stamina, produced by triathlon and hours and hours of power yoga, will carry me through somewhat.

I will have to worry about Philly, but that was precisely my reason for planning Jax . . . so I can use it as an assessment for my marathon condition.

3 tidbits of wizdom:

Duane said...

Well you seem pretty sane to me! Or maybe I'm messed up LOL :-)

Ace said...

I don't know you, but read a posting you left on a friends blog (wartime firefighter). Since I'm always interested in reading blogs, I browsed your's and for some reason, I'm hooked. And all I read was this posting! Anyhow, great stuff, and I'll be sure to stop on by in the future. And how can you possibly run +5 miles! I think the most I've ever ran was 2 miles at one time. Hats off to you!

PS: No need to be silly about the "one ugly cake" remark. That's just being too hard on yourself, dear...You're adorable!

Allez said...

I know way too well the ugly cake feeling!