How 'Bout We Make Us A Deal

To change is to improve. To be perfect is to change often. 

- Winston Churchill

When I posted that yesterday, I knew I was in need of some changing. Not that I harbor delusions of perfection, mind you. I just knew there was absolutely no way I could - or wanted to - continue down the road I was on.

The first thing I had to decide was what to change.  Honestly, that was the hardest part.  But, once I had a good grip on that, the rest became crystal clear.

It started out with an even tougher question, though. For weeks I've been asking myself why is shit so hard right now?  I've been through some rough things all year long, but I couldn't quite figure out the tipping point.  Up until some time recently, I had been able to roll with the punches. This week I finally realized that I was struggling with a combination of two things: the reality of Arnie dying hitting home, and feeling really shitty again. 

First, I decided against my 50- to 70-mile bike ride this morning.  I've needed my migraine medicine a few times a week lately because of the "attacks" (or "spells" or whatever you want to call them), so I needed to sleep instead of waking up at 5am.  I slept until 7, which is late for me, and hit the gym for a slightly less-intense-than-normal run/strength combo.  I then spent the rest of the morning making meals for the week and some budgeting to figure out how I could fit in more head and neck massages to offset some of my pain and dizziness.

These weren't the main decisions I made, though.  The main decisions I made were about what I needed to change.  And the first thing was my perspective. I needed to embrace my "new normal."  To understand that so much of this is temporary. But, in the off-chance that some of it is long-term or permanent, I also decided to make myself a deal that dad would be proud of. 

The deal is: 
I WILL ALWAYS DO THE BEST I CAN WITH WHAT I HAVE.

I will gather as much information as I can to make an educated decision, and then I will do the best I can with the mental and physical capabilities I possess. Not yesterday's best; not tomorrow's best; not 6 years' from now's best.  The best with what I have, today.  And I will accept the idea that this may mean a shorter workout, or none at all.  A shorter race, or none at all.  And I will NOT beat myself up or feel frustrated if that's all I can do. 

Instead, when I feel the frustration coming on, I will ask myself:
HAVE I DONE EVERYTHING I AM CAPABLE OF DOING?

If the answer is yes, then I will move on.
If the answer is no, then, in the immortal words of Britney Spears, you better work, bitch.

As I sat pondering this, my phone rang.  It was one of my cycling friends, who also happens to subscribe to my blog.  She has the most positive attitude of anyone I've ever met, even when we're riding 80 miles in the Florida heat. I hadn't talked with her since our ride last week, but I guessed that she was calling because I didn't tell anyone why I didn't ride today.

Side note: it is kind of odd for me to have people who know me in real life read my blog.  For some reason, it's way easier to open up to total strangers on the internet.  I'm also always shocked that my real-life friends follow my blog.  I'm not sure why; I just am. 

Anyway, it was almost like she'd been reading my mind.  She told me that a lot of the time when people get frustrated about how much they haven't accomplished she will ask them, "did you need to do that?"  And that's exactly what I did this morning.  I thought, I don't need to ride today.  I've been riding 50-70 miles weekly pretty regularly.  There are plenty of other things I can do and still get sleep.

 It reminded me that I don't need to race, and I don't need to race fast or long if I do; I can still do the shorter stuff (something I've been talking about with Coach for a long time now.) There are plenty of things I can do and still stay fit.

And the other reason why her call meant a lot to me is that she also battles chronic illness.  And she reminded me of something she likes to tell people.  I Have A Disease, It Doesn't Have Me.  If I decide to become frustrated because "my condition" stopped me from doing something I used to do, then my disease has me.  But if I accept that there are other things I can do and other ways I can do them, then I'm in control.

That call really, really meant a lot to me. First of all, it was very kind. Second of all, I needed to vent to someone who could understand. And finally, it put me at peace with my decisions today.

So how about you make a deal with me.

The deal is: 
ALWAYS DO THE BEST YOU CAN WITH WHAT YOU HAVE.

If you question anything at all about the statement above, then ask yourself:
HAVE I DONE EVERYTHING I AM CAPABLE OF DOING?

If the answer is yes, then move on. 
If the answer is no, then you better work, bitch.

To Improve is to Change. To Be Perfect is to Change Often.

I have to start this post off by telling you how incredibly frustrated I am.  If you've come here today to find some inspiration and positivity, I can't say that I have the answers for you.  Today is just rough.

I'll get to why soon enough, though.  First, a little Flashback.

Eight years ago, I started running races.  I've been running off and on since 1995, and working out pretty regularly for the most part since 1998 (talk about going way back in The Wayback Machine!)  But, prior to eight years ago, I'd never run a race.

It all started because a friend was doing Ironman and she inspired me to try a 5k. And another friend said, "I'll do that 5k with you."  I loved it. I got sucked in. I decided to do my first tri.  Eight years later, I'd done 6 marathons, 12 or so half marathons, many triathlons of different distances up to 70.3, some bike races, some swimming events, and more running races in the 5k-10k range than I can even remember.

In the midst of this, I felt horrible nearly every single day and, to add insult to injury, many people did not even believe I was sick. I was finally diagnosed with thyroid cancer, heart arrhythmias, asthma, hypoglycemia, and inner ear problems.

But training became my "new normal." It gave me a reason to get out of bed every day.  I like to say it saved my life. 

A few months ago, that terrible roller coaster started again. Thankfully, not all of the problems I once experienced still plague me, but my vertigo, ear problems, headaches, and intolerable fatigue are back, with no idea of where to begin treatment. This week, my MRI results came back normal.  Last week, my hearing/balance tests came back the most normal than they've been in 10 years.  This is great news, except that I am still plagued by these horrible dizzy spells, ringing in my ears, ears not popping, headaches, and horrible fatigue.

Believe me when I tell you, from years of living with undiagnosed thyroid cancer, heart arrhythmias, asthma, hypoglycemia, and inner ear problems, I know the difference between everyone gets tired tired and something's wrong tired.

At first I blamed it on things in my control.  I just need a break.  It's the off season.  I'm not motivated.  And then there have been days I haven't been able to drag myself out of bed.  I can usually rally for some kind of a workout, even at an early hour, even during my worst. And these days, that is just not doable. I'm sluggish. I've lost most of my bike speed. Some of my endurance. I'm at a run plateau. I haven't been to lift weights in about a month.  I've gained a few pounds - not a consequential number, but enough that my clothes don't feel good all the time and I feel pot-bellied. I realized this was something's wrong tired.  And that's when the unhelpful tests started all over again, just like they did 10 years ago. 

I like to think that everything is in my control.  But the truth is, sometimes it's not.  I feel like I'm going to have to start all over again right in the middle of the best training and racing years of my life.  Nationals again any time soon? Out the window.  20+ mph bike averages? Psssh, in another 3 years maybe. Meeting that 25-minute 5k threshold? Ha, ha, HA! I'm trying to do my best, but it just doesn't seem good enough.  I'm lucky to get 2-3 workouts a week; a little swim, a little run, and my weekly 50-60 mile training ride for Tour de Cure.

I haven't even done any real fundraising for TDC this year.

Aside from feeling shitty, I work pretty much nonstop, then there's school, family, and terminally ill kitty.  But the goal is to train enough on the days when I feel ok, that I don't lose much by stepping back on the really bad days. I can usually do that. But I don't feel like that's happening.

And I'm just. plain. frustrated.

Not training is becoming my "new normal."

I don't like it.

I am one of those people who abhors excuses.  I like to be able to just stand up, fight it off with attitude, and push through it. But there's a place where you can say you're "pushing through it" (like when you feel really fatigued and sort of woozy but you hit the gym anyway) and when you just need to give yourself a break (when running on the treadmill through a splitting headache might turn into a vertigo attack, or when you decide not to ride 50 miles with a urinary tract infection.)  Training usually makes me feel better, but lately even training isn't helping me much, and unfortunately it means I'm training less.

I was watching the Netflix series House of Cards the other night and one of the characters quoted Winston Churchill.  He said, to improve is to change.  To be perfect is to change often.

But changes are scary.  And sometimes they're really big. And sometimes the biggest, scariest ones aren't the ones that are thrust upon us, but the ones we have to make ourselves.  That's why some people just get stuck in a loop and never take that big step if they don't get forced or pushed to do it.  Being the one responsible for the change is terrifying. So that becomes  I'll exercise tomorrow.  I'll work on my self-esteem tomorrow. 

It appears that I'm at something of a standstill.  Now, like so many years ago, a change needs to be made.

The question is not whether I'm up for it, but where to start.