I'm Not Ready to Give Up

Tonight I discovered something very powerful, something very simple,something I thought I had completely lost: hope.

I was walking out of class - a class which had me feeling completely stupid. I was practically in tears because I missed the previous week (car acccident bullshit). I was telling myself in my head how worthless and stupid I am when I got an email from my Dad.

My dad is a man of few words. In person, he won't say a lot. But, behind a keyboard, he grows a major set of balls. And let me just tell you, when he does speak up, it's powerful. He's heard me moaning about my situation for months now, and he knows how bad my self-efficacy has suffered. So tonight, when I left class almost bawling, it only took this part of his email to push me over the edge into Blubberville.

"....It took me a long time to give myself a break and not be so demanding of myself. I finally had to figure out that life is to short to worry about others and to make everything perfect.
"I tend to stay back and hide my light under a bushel, as it were. I have had bosses would ask me why I don't speak up more when they saw I was smart. I would always say "I would rather be silent and let them think I was dumb than open my mouth and prove them right." I was better at running routes and fixing machines because I could concentrate on my work and not worry about how to interact.

"So, I guess it's all about how you were raised, and the environment you are in. We all handle things differently based all these circumstances. You have always wanted people to like you. Where I decided I don't care. I figured it was their loss. So, with all this rambling, I'm trying to tell you that you must work out the solution that is best for you.

"But, I will say that you must learn to be more tolerant of yourself and give yourself a break. Set your goals high. But, understand that you may not always reach them. But, don't stop setting high goals as you will accomplish more even if you don't exactly reach them..."

By the time I got to my car, I was not only sobbing like a fool but also bombarded by this realization: I am not ready to give up.

Not just yet.

Love is still alive . . . somewhere. Hope is still thriving . . . somehow. Maybe all I've done this week is a stride run and a meditation class. There are still 4 days left.

Inspiring other people doesn't mean standing up and mouthing off about what you've been through. It means showing them through your actions that you've made a conscious effort to make your life as good as it can possibly be, given all circumstances both in and out of your control. It means accepting your faults but appreciating your abilities, and it means encouraging others to do the same.

There is a lot of that in the world that still needs to be done.

3 tidbits of wizdom:

Wes said...

I went through that moment when I was 18, in Germany (Army) and alone. I decided to quit feeling sorry for myself (not saying this is you!) cause nobody else was going to. I also decided to keep life simple. Its too damn hard to be constantly trying to figure life and people out. My daughter says I live in my own world, as if thats a problem for her. LOL... If life is too complicated, it might be time to take a break, and let the rest of you catch up.

Tribrit said...

You know when I race I go in with a mental goal. If, during part of the race I realise that I won't make that I mentally readjust. Result - I always make my goal! Time for you to readjust your goals and expectations. Anyway you know the rest of my advice so I'll just be quiet now!!!

CCP said...

MAJ - hold onto that hope. With time that little flicker will grow into a flame; a raging fire. You will realize that you are not only an amazing woman with incredible grit, determination, and intelligence but that you are also worth the effort of getting to know and keep happy.

This is all advice you've probably already heard. And I'm sure it is getting old by now, but I believe in you. I'm rooting for you. And I'm doing my best to send all of the happy thoughts I can muster your way.