Consistency in Times of Chaos

I know what you're thinking by now.

Where is this crazy b*$&h?
I haven't seen her in weeks.

Months, maybe.
What the hell is her deal?

Is she still blogging?

Is she still working?

Is she still training?

Is she even breathing?


The answer to every single one of the questions above (with the exception of the first) is, absolutely, undoubtedly, resoundingly:


I am still here. Living, breathing, working, blogging - yes, even training. I am trying to do EXACTLY what the Elf tells me.
As always, I'm struggling.

The truth is, I've been doing a lot of sacking up and living dangerously the past few months, and it hasn't turned out quite as planned, or expected, or even dreamed. When I initially blogged about growing the proverbial pair and learning to take the proverbial bull by the horns in my life, I truly had no idea what I was in for. I should have known that my newly discovered vim, vigor and spunk could lead me down a treacherously twisting, daringly dramatic and somewhat scary path when the entry in question frightened even the Great Gutsy Tea-inator. But, in true Meggan Ann fashion, I threw caution to the wind, nonchalantly dismissed concerns, and surged boldly forward.
The result?

It's going to sound like a made-for-TV movie, and you're probably not even going to buy it all, but here goes. Since I made that initial entry on December 2 (a little over two months ago), I have:
  • Started dating again and acquired a boyfriend
  • Had the cops called on New Beau by my ex-husband
  • Got kicked out of my house by my ex-husband and his mother
  • Kept trying to train
  • Moved into a very shitty, cheap extended-stay hotel in a bad part of town
  • Spent what seemed like aeons with negative bank statements because of the displacement
  • Kept trying to train
  • Had ex-husband refuse to help with the overdraft charges
  • Had to drop out of class because of the stress
  • Gained at least 15 pounds back because I could only eat the cheapest, shittiest food possible for months (goodbye, Whole Foods - hello, Mickey D's . . . *barf* )
  • Kept training
  • Had a bladder infection and 3 different GI issues (not to give you TMI, but I've spent the better part of 2008 with diarrhea. I'm calling stress on that one.)
  • Lost my job
  • Finalized my divorce - but was late on the way to the hearing because it took me nearly two hours to get through traffic because not only did two different fender-benders happen right in front of me, Orlando had a tragic pedestrain accident on I-4
  • Kept training
  • Drank too much
  • Begun closing proceedings on my townhouse
  • Had to re-do my first base week twice
  • Had to re-do my first test week twice
  • Had my closing postponed 3 times
  • Got a new job
  • Kept training
  • Learned I suck at heart rate monitors
  • Wrenched my knee falling in a pair of fuck-me pumps
  • Broke up with new boyfriend
  • Accepted my ex-husband's offer to move back in so I could keep my bank accounts positive
  • Now have piles of laundry to do to remove the stench of old-hotel, ex-smoker-dwelling from my clothing
  • Kept training
Jesus help us. God and Baby Jesus help us.

I swear, though, that it's all completely unfalsified. (Is that even a word? Who cares. You should know by now that Megganese is not necessarily English anyway.)

So, that's the scoop on the poop. Yesterday's workout was a swim, but I find myself frequently swapping Mondays for Fridays as my off days because I had to move out of the craphole apartment (could not afford it any longer.) Through all of the madness, I've kept training. Now that I'm back in a clean, free place and I am getting settled in a new job, I am looking forward to being able to follow my training schedule to the letter.

Tonight's mission, should I choose to accept it? Run, unpack and do laundry.

This blog will self-destruct in 5 seconds.
By the way . . . my ass hurts from getting back into aero.

3 tidbits of wizdom:

Joy | Love | Chaos said...

Okay. Now, you know I've got a bigger email brewing in the background for ya (miss ya!), but I have to add my thoughts on this.

As always, unsolicited.

And, as always, strapped with the regular caveat of it, you know, not being my life and all.

But here goes.

You have now written it all down. THE LIST. The list of crap that has happed to you, by you, around you, and somehow related to you in the last two months.

It's a long list of crappy things. It's a crappy list, for sure.

Now let it go.

Let. It. Go.

All of those experiences will not do you a lick of good today. You have learned already what you will from it. Now let it be history. Move forward. Look forward. Let it go.

You already know you're resilient. Because you are. Because you make it through things like that list. But you will only drag yourself down if you focus on what has happened, rather than what you want today to look like. Forget tomorrow. TODAY. What decisions do you want to make today. What steps towards a fulfilling life will you make today.

Don't take any bulls by any horns. Don't try to solve it all right now. Don't add too much to your list of expectations.

Literally, one day at a time. Today. Focus.

And I think you'll be surprised at how that makes tomorrow a little easier.

| end unsolicited advice |


Joy | Love | Chaos said...

oh and (wink) welcome back. :)

Tea said...

F*#! it all! Move to Colorado. Come stay with us in our overcrowded, overly loud, overly messy house.

I'm glad you checked in. Now that I'm feeling better, I'll send you an email.