The Mystery Chafe and Other Comedic Race Incidents

There's something comical at every race. I have heard many tales of post-race poops, in-race pees and poos, puking, farting during races, showing "camel toe" in race photos- you name it. So, I'm going to share my incidents from this weekend, although I bet you wish I wouldn't.

These incidents are, in no particular order: The Mystery Chafe, Crooked Nipples, and Race Crank.

The Mystery Chafe
No matter how long you've been racing, you cannot avoid the phenomenon I call The Mystery Chafe. You know what I'm talking about if you've been racing a while. No matter your choice of lubricant/moisturizer - Body Glide, baby powder, Chamois Butt'r, Vaseline - no matter how much you use, no matter how many body parts you cover - even if you cover extra, just to be safe - there is almost always one part of you that ends up chafing. Some times, it's really bad. For me, it is always somewhere exceptionally personal and somewhat embarrassing. Last 1/2 marathon, it was the back inner part of my thigh, almost where my glutes are located. I walked funny for about 3 days. This week, I must reveal something about my body to you before you can even understand what the Mystery Chafe of the Race is.

And it's embarrassing and it may gross you out.

I have a funny scar under my abdomen. It's from surgery I had when I was very small. Life-saving surgery, I should add. But I always curse it because, no matter how thin I get, where other womens' abdomens sort of connect smoothly to their hip and pelvic bones, mine doesn't. I have and will always have a little fold because of that scar. So, even at 15.96% body fat, I had a little fold. Icky. Anyway, the Mystery Chafe at this race? Under there. WTF rubs under there? I mean, I'm glad that's where it is, because I don't feel it at all (unless I'm showering). Last year's Half Mystery Chafe was much worse - it touched everything. But still. HOW does THAT get chafed?

Crooked Nipples
It's no secret that I'm packing relatively large boobs. So I am a big fan of the Fiona bra by Moving Comfort. One of my favorite things about the Fiona? It feels like a "real" bra, not a "sports" bra, which really helps keep you compressed when running and over a C-cup. Problem with that is you have to "put" yourself in it, just like a real bra. I was running late on race morning and got soaked in the rain. Only in the elevator on the way back to clean up, post-race, did I look in the mirrored elevator doors and realize I hadn't properly adjusted the girls. As a result, my left and right nipples were completely uneven and it was totally obvious. No, that's an understatement. They weren't uneven - they were pointing completely different directions. I skipped being mortified and went straight into a giggle fit. I then proceeded to put everyone else in stitches describing it over pizza and beer that night.

No wonder people were smiling at me at the aid stations.

Race Crank
After every race longer than 10 miles or 1.5 hours, I get what Mr. MAJ and I call the "Race Crankies," or for short, "Race Crank." We rate my recovery on how much "Race Crank" I exhibit and how long it lasts. So, today, after the half, I asked him if my level of Race Crank was higher after this race or after the Oly. He told me, "Definitely after this race." I was shocked. Even though I was in so much pain I couldn't walk right for weeks after the Oly, I guess I was so pleased and I spent my energy so well overall that I wasn't so grouchy at the end. But I had a major case of Race Crank yesterday . . . that's for sure. Not very mature.

But that's my philosophy. When something's embarrassing, laugh about it. So I did. And I'm sharing this with you so maybe you can laugh, too.

1 tidbits of wizdom:

Ace said...

The "Crooked Nipple" story was hilarious. Now (forgive me for being so forward) you know how guys feel. Hangin' a little one way or the other. The funniest thing about this story, is I'm actually trying to visualize what this bizarre sight would look like on any given woman. Haha!
Oh, and in response to your posting on my blog, I'm going to have to disagree with you. A triathlon would take much more work than being a firefighter. I mean, I guess I can say that cause I've been doing it for +10 years. Some in the Air Force, some civilian side. And I met Damien up in Wisconsin in July. How do you know him anyways? Aren't you in Florida? Take care! Keep up the Comic Relief! I love it!