The past few days have been a blur of turmoil. Not physically; rehab is going good for the vertigo and my thyroid seems to be chugging along nicely, so I am doing better than I have in 7 or 8 years. Training is going well. About 7.5 hours last week. Eating clean is also making me feel better during my workouts and overall.
No, the turmoil was more on the emotional and mental plane.
The fundamental problem I have with blogging (as with Facebook) is that I cannot really write all the details. I do my best to paraphrase, but even then, there are some topics that are Just Off Limits, Too Personal To Share, or Unwise To Mention. That being said, I blog for me, about me, because that's what a blog IS - a journal that you can share with friends and family. If I blog about my health, it's because it affects me. Same with eating, training, and other elements of my life. If I help someone else by writing, then that's just a bonus of doing it. I've made it private before, and I consider doing it again sometimes.
Because there are many thoughts that I cannot finish, as "real" as I try to be, there are times when not only can I not express a clear picture, but what I've said is open to interpretation. Truly, blogging and Facebook are always open to the interpretation of the reader. You can never really get 100% of the picture in a 140-word status update or a few paragraphs. Some people, no matter how your posts can be read, will always consider you a psycho/bitch/idiot for not agreeing with their beliefs, making the choices THEY would make, or reporting it in their posting style.
I learned this during my Facebook experiment this month. There are some friends I adore in person, text, and on the phone - but, on the internet, not so much. And it's REALLY hard to separate the blog or Facebook update from THE REAL GIRL when you hear or see more of the blog or FB than you do the Real Girl.
In the racing world, likewise: almost every athlete will someday have a race that they cannot finish. DNF's happen for many reasons: bad weather, poor planning, gastrointestinal issues, weather, injuries, and more. In 2007, before I had my thyroid out and didn't know anything about vertigo, a dizzy spell in the water DNF'd me at an Olympic tri. In 2008, poor planning, bad health, heat, and GI problems DQ'd me at Florida Half Ironman. In 2009, poor planning and an injury forced me to finish only half of the Melbourne Marathon.
Good thing; never would have made the 5-hour limit. I'm just not a Speedy Gonzalez yet. I train, I try to eat better, I work through my limitations. SUCCESS to me = FINISHING RACES. PERIOD. I no longer hold delusions of winning someday. It's just not my definition of success anymore. And I don't believe that it makes me any less an ATHLETE or my race any less a RACE because I am slower, or because all I'm trying to beat is my own time. As once coach at DetermiNation New Orleans told me, "No one here's going to win this race. The winners finished hours ago. All you can do is finish as well as YOU can."
Since, in my racing life, it's been over 2 years since I couldn't finish a race, I guess that meant I was due for a personal DNF.
The period during which I had those racing DNF's was, perhaps unshockingly, the hardest (and darkest) time of my life. I have been more than honest about how devastating this process was. I've mentioned the most innocuous result (missing a workout and not being clear-minded enough to know I could switch around my schedule and do a different one) to the most serious (losing and starting relationships, changing careers, not finishing races, having to make major physical and financial changes and more).
I have also mentioned moving on. I've mentioned that I took a break from racing, from blogging, from many things in life. I've mentioned I changed friends around, look at working out differently, eat differently. I've mentioned that, thanks to the cancer and my jacked-up thyroid being gone, that I made giant PRs last year and I take only one medication now - thyroid hormone replacement - except on those rare days I have a migraine. I've noted multiple times that, despite sizable training weeks and some experience, I am not the biggest specimen of athleticism, so I have a long way to go. I've also mentioned that I finally gathered the guts to do what I really want to do in life because I've realized Life is Just Too Short.
VERY recently, I blogged about realizing I needed to let go of the past, even in my relationship, which had a notoriously and publicly rocky beginning. I finally felt that I was ready to look forward. A few months back, I started reaching out to people from that time in my life who I felt had been adversely affected and trying to make amends.
And then this weekend, I encountered a situation that was designed purposely to send me reeling back to the darkest period of the hardest time of my life. I got a little lesson in being too trusting, to boot. The rest of the story is something I just cannot finish.
Like I said, it's REALLY hard to separate the blog or Facebook update from THE REAL GIRL when you hear or see more of the blog or FB than you do the Real Girl. Texts can even be misleading because they're tiny streams of consciousness, not a clear picture of an entire day. What further complicates this is how much my entire life has changed since my health, finances, and relationship have begun to stabilize. Even if you DID know me in person 2-3 years ago, you probably do NOT know me now.
Have I always made the best decisions? No. NO ONE HAS. Have I always been able to tell you 100%, without question, all of the gory details in my blogs? No. FEW HAVE. But I can say, without question, that I've always done my best.
I went back on Facebook yesterday. For the first time in almost 20 days, I didn't feel bad about myself at all. I glanced through some of my news feed, changed my status, adjusted some settings, checked out a few photos, and moved on. I can't say I have any desire to "check in," cross-post my blog, post pictures, or post from my phone every few hours. I don't really see a need to post unless I have something to say. So, at least this weekend's difficulties helped reinforce for me that no, Facebook really isn't that important to me at all.
However, there is one great thing about the internet, texts, blogs, Facebook, etc. If (at any time) you decide you don't like something you read? You can just stop reading.
In the end, only YOU are in control of you. And YOU are all you can control.
Showing posts with label lettting go. Show all posts
Showing posts with label lettting go. Show all posts
DNF, AKA Let's *NOT* Do the Time Warp Again, AKA The Facebook Experiment ends
Sunday, March 27, 2011
0
tidbits of wizdom
|
Labels:
facebook,
health,
lettting go,
personal life,
the fifth discipline
Boys, dogs and racing - what do these three things have in common?
Boys. Dogs. Racing.
What do these three (seemingly unrelated) items have in common? That's the topic of today's blog.
Well . . . sort of.
*********************************************************************************
First I want to start by asking you a question. And I really want you - whoever you are reading this, for whatever reason - I want YOU - to think about this.
Have you ever reached your breaking point?
For many people, their breaking point is the point where they throw up your hands and declare, "I quit." For others, this is the point where everything falls apart and they realize they have to completely tear down before they can even think about rebuilding. For me, the breaking point is all of these, but also the point where I finally realize - no, not realize, because I always knew - it's the point where I finally DECIDE to dig in my heels and start biting off chunks of the elephant(s) in front of me.
See, for much of my life, my attitude has been, you do as much as you can possibly do - and then, when you cannot do a single thing more, you let go. Because some times all you can do is let go.
Now I'm starting to feel as if maybe I had it backwards. As if maybe, just maybe, we have to let go FIRST, and then we find out how much or little we can or want to do - THEN, we do it. You see, my depression has robbed me of an entire year of my life (this time - God knows how many others it's snatched from me.) I was truly at my lowest point, the point where I felt as if I could do NOTHING. So I had to let go. I had to turn loose of everything because I was not capable of doing it. And I'm talking everything from having a relationship to working overtime to paying bills on time, walking the dog a mile a day, meeting friends for dinner, wearing makeup, calling my parents, emptying the trash - EVERYTHING was a chore. I had the emotional energy for nothing, so I just started to let it all go.
And then, after several months of soul-searching, returning to therapy, medication, good friends, fun times, training, and a few races . . . it dawned on me.
I am happy again.
Me?!
Happy!?
And not an ecstatic, bipolar happy - a peppy, saucy, constant stream of giggles about how grand my life is - or if not IS, how grand it can truly BE. The potential of it all - the potential has returned to my life, and with it the hope and faith that there IS a way out, a GOOD way out, a LIVING way out - and there always will be. And I have begun to realize that now, instead of letting go, now I can really look at all those tasks daunting me, and grab a few of them . . . and hang on.
For the first time in my life, I'm hanging on when I would usually let go. I'm hanging on to New Guy for a while with no expectations, just enjoying having someone around. I'm hanging on to training, just at lower distances for the next few months and after I get the all-clear from an orthopedist on my leg. I'm hanging onto my hopes of getting my tubes tied, getting a promotion, and maybe not having to move. But I'm also letting go.
*********************************************************************************
Saturday morning I wake up feeling extra-fine and super-feisty. New Guy and I have somewhat repaired things. . . I've been seeing him again, the weird un-connectedness is off, and I've decided to just take the whole situation as it comes - or, as it doesn't. In a lot of ways, we're closer now than we were before. So, before I hit the afternoon Tri Club Swim Clinic and then a 197o's-themed Prom party for V-Day (I'm not a big V-Day celebrator, it must be noted), I decided I'll go on a 3-5 mile run with Al at Blanchard Park.
Did you hear that?
Yeah, that's the sound of MY OWN STUPIDITY.
(Sounds ugly, doesn't it?)
I barely make it 2 miles. I hobble/walk the rest of the way. Needless to say - the leg is worse at this point. Being a repeat IT-band injury-sufferer, I know when to take a hint. I cancel all my run workouts for the next 2 weeks, halt my bike workout plans for a week, and forego the dance-all-night prom to go out somewhere I can sit (and then, only for a few hours). I did hit the swim clinic and learned a LOT - in fact, got put in the lead of my lap lane at least once and felt overall that, while I'm a slow swimmer, I'm a very strong swimmer - and not even half as bad as I'd thought. My shoulders are definitely worked from feeling the more "correct" stroke, but I have to say it's a great feeling to slide through the water knowing I'm not crossing over - AND to know I can cross a 25-yard lane in only 1-2 breaths. Saturday night I spent the night with NG - things seemed to go awesome - and Sunday I swam again and took an almost 2-hour power yoga class, which seemed to have helped. I had to take Tylenol PM at midnight just to get back to sleep.
Nonetheless, I woke up on Monday with no new developments on the NG front, way too sore to go to a swim workout with the club, and hobbling even worse. Last night I cried myself to sleep after drinking 1.5 bottles of wine. Alone. I can't get back to "real training" yet, and I'm PISSED - no, LIVID - with myself for staying out of the weight room enough that I let my hip flexors stay weak enough that I could develop ANOTHER I.T. BAND INJURY. FOR FUCK'S SAKE! I've been DOING this for almost FOUR years?!?! Have I NOT learned ANYTHING??!?!?!
Now, to be completely fair . . . I can't blame all of this (ever so slight) downheartedness on the leg. My life has been very complicated, and there are a lot of loose ends: my tubes getting tied got put off, I haven't been back to see the endocrinologist, I have to finish up some financial paperwork I've been putting off for MONTHS, NG (while responsive and seemingly more sensitive) has dropped the "baby" and "sweetie" in his texts and still doesn't seem to know what to do with me. I don't know where I want to live, and now that my job is going well and I'm OFF ALL PRESCRIPTION MEDICINES (you heard it here first), my mental health is super-stable and so is my physical health, so there are a whole new round of decisions to be made.
And they involve the 3 things that are causing me a lot of pain right now - boys, dogs and racing.
As I said, my old philosophy was to dig in - dig in till I couldn't dig in any more, and then let go when I could do nothing else. Now I want to let go first . . . and let whatever is meant to come to me, head my way. So I am thinking really hard about finding a new home for Kona - if and when I move, he will not be able to come with me, and there are a multitude of other reasons why this could really be the best move for both he and I. And I let go of my expectations about NG for a while - just to see where things go and why. (Hell, I'm probably delaying the inevitable by not turning him loose already, too.) That includes not saving a shitload of old text messages. Why hang on? And I let go of my pressure to race for a while. I will keep training, get through this injury, but if I can't feel confident by late March, I may defer St. Anthony's, too.
There's a Toni Braxton song from waaay back in the day . .
First thing monday morning
Im gonna pack my tears away
Got no cause to look back
I'm lookin for me a better day
You see the thing bout love
Is that it's not enough
If the only thing it brings you is pain
There comes a time when we could all make a
Change
Just let go
And let it flow, let it flow, let it
Everything's gonna work out right, yknow
Let go, and let it flow, let it flow, let it flow
Just let it go
You know what I did this morning? I got my shit together. I went and got my bloodwork and got ready to go back to the doctor. That's what happens when I reach my breaking point. I just dig in.
And now I have to go rest up from last night's 4 hours of sleep and 1.5 bottles of wine.
xoxo.
What do these three (seemingly unrelated) items have in common? That's the topic of today's blog.
Well . . . sort of.
*********************************************************************************
First I want to start by asking you a question. And I really want you - whoever you are reading this, for whatever reason - I want YOU - to think about this.
Have you ever reached your breaking point?
For many people, their breaking point is the point where they throw up your hands and declare, "I quit." For others, this is the point where everything falls apart and they realize they have to completely tear down before they can even think about rebuilding. For me, the breaking point is all of these, but also the point where I finally realize - no, not realize, because I always knew - it's the point where I finally DECIDE to dig in my heels and start biting off chunks of the elephant(s) in front of me.
See, for much of my life, my attitude has been, you do as much as you can possibly do - and then, when you cannot do a single thing more, you let go. Because some times all you can do is let go.
Now I'm starting to feel as if maybe I had it backwards. As if maybe, just maybe, we have to let go FIRST, and then we find out how much or little we can or want to do - THEN, we do it. You see, my depression has robbed me of an entire year of my life (this time - God knows how many others it's snatched from me.) I was truly at my lowest point, the point where I felt as if I could do NOTHING. So I had to let go. I had to turn loose of everything because I was not capable of doing it. And I'm talking everything from having a relationship to working overtime to paying bills on time, walking the dog a mile a day, meeting friends for dinner, wearing makeup, calling my parents, emptying the trash - EVERYTHING was a chore. I had the emotional energy for nothing, so I just started to let it all go.
And then, after several months of soul-searching, returning to therapy, medication, good friends, fun times, training, and a few races . . . it dawned on me.
I am happy again.
Me?!
Happy!?
And not an ecstatic, bipolar happy - a peppy, saucy, constant stream of giggles about how grand my life is - or if not IS, how grand it can truly BE. The potential of it all - the potential has returned to my life, and with it the hope and faith that there IS a way out, a GOOD way out, a LIVING way out - and there always will be. And I have begun to realize that now, instead of letting go, now I can really look at all those tasks daunting me, and grab a few of them . . . and hang on.
For the first time in my life, I'm hanging on when I would usually let go. I'm hanging on to New Guy for a while with no expectations, just enjoying having someone around. I'm hanging on to training, just at lower distances for the next few months and after I get the all-clear from an orthopedist on my leg. I'm hanging onto my hopes of getting my tubes tied, getting a promotion, and maybe not having to move. But I'm also letting go.
*********************************************************************************
Saturday morning I wake up feeling extra-fine and super-feisty. New Guy and I have somewhat repaired things. . . I've been seeing him again, the weird un-connectedness is off, and I've decided to just take the whole situation as it comes - or, as it doesn't. In a lot of ways, we're closer now than we were before. So, before I hit the afternoon Tri Club Swim Clinic and then a 197o's-themed Prom party for V-Day (I'm not a big V-Day celebrator, it must be noted), I decided I'll go on a 3-5 mile run with Al at Blanchard Park.
Did you hear that?
Yeah, that's the sound of MY OWN STUPIDITY.
(Sounds ugly, doesn't it?)
I barely make it 2 miles. I hobble/walk the rest of the way. Needless to say - the leg is worse at this point. Being a repeat IT-band injury-sufferer, I know when to take a hint. I cancel all my run workouts for the next 2 weeks, halt my bike workout plans for a week, and forego the dance-all-night prom to go out somewhere I can sit (and then, only for a few hours). I did hit the swim clinic and learned a LOT - in fact, got put in the lead of my lap lane at least once and felt overall that, while I'm a slow swimmer, I'm a very strong swimmer - and not even half as bad as I'd thought. My shoulders are definitely worked from feeling the more "correct" stroke, but I have to say it's a great feeling to slide through the water knowing I'm not crossing over - AND to know I can cross a 25-yard lane in only 1-2 breaths. Saturday night I spent the night with NG - things seemed to go awesome - and Sunday I swam again and took an almost 2-hour power yoga class, which seemed to have helped. I had to take Tylenol PM at midnight just to get back to sleep.
Nonetheless, I woke up on Monday with no new developments on the NG front, way too sore to go to a swim workout with the club, and hobbling even worse. Last night I cried myself to sleep after drinking 1.5 bottles of wine. Alone. I can't get back to "real training" yet, and I'm PISSED - no, LIVID - with myself for staying out of the weight room enough that I let my hip flexors stay weak enough that I could develop ANOTHER I.T. BAND INJURY. FOR FUCK'S SAKE! I've been DOING this for almost FOUR years?!?! Have I NOT learned ANYTHING??!?!?!
Now, to be completely fair . . . I can't blame all of this (ever so slight) downheartedness on the leg. My life has been very complicated, and there are a lot of loose ends: my tubes getting tied got put off, I haven't been back to see the endocrinologist, I have to finish up some financial paperwork I've been putting off for MONTHS, NG (while responsive and seemingly more sensitive) has dropped the "baby" and "sweetie" in his texts and still doesn't seem to know what to do with me. I don't know where I want to live, and now that my job is going well and I'm OFF ALL PRESCRIPTION MEDICINES (you heard it here first), my mental health is super-stable and so is my physical health, so there are a whole new round of decisions to be made.
And they involve the 3 things that are causing me a lot of pain right now - boys, dogs and racing.
As I said, my old philosophy was to dig in - dig in till I couldn't dig in any more, and then let go when I could do nothing else. Now I want to let go first . . . and let whatever is meant to come to me, head my way. So I am thinking really hard about finding a new home for Kona - if and when I move, he will not be able to come with me, and there are a multitude of other reasons why this could really be the best move for both he and I. And I let go of my expectations about NG for a while - just to see where things go and why. (Hell, I'm probably delaying the inevitable by not turning him loose already, too.) That includes not saving a shitload of old text messages. Why hang on? And I let go of my pressure to race for a while. I will keep training, get through this injury, but if I can't feel confident by late March, I may defer St. Anthony's, too.
There's a Toni Braxton song from waaay back in the day . .
First thing monday morning
Im gonna pack my tears away
Got no cause to look back
I'm lookin for me a better day
You see the thing bout love
Is that it's not enough
If the only thing it brings you is pain
There comes a time when we could all make a
Change
Just let go
And let it flow, let it flow, let it
Everything's gonna work out right, yknow
Let go, and let it flow, let it flow, let it flow
Just let it go
You know what I did this morning? I got my shit together. I went and got my bloodwork and got ready to go back to the doctor. That's what happens when I reach my breaking point. I just dig in.
And now I have to go rest up from last night's 4 hours of sleep and 1.5 bottles of wine.
xoxo.
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