Why don't you move, dammit?

Why don't you move, dammit?
Why don't you move, dammit?
Why don't you move, dammit?

-DJ Baby Anne and DJ Icey, Move

(If you've never heard this song, it'll rock your socks)

Moving on . . .

The title of this blog is How Do You Eat an Elephant?, which begs the obvious answer, "one bite at a time."  My dad always gave me this advice because I FREQUENTLY bite off more than I can chew.

But the other reason I chose How Do You Eat an Elephant? was because of what it's become over the years.  When I started blogging 5+ years ago, I had two separate blogs - my training blog and my everyday life blog.  Then the lines between the two started to blur. And then my blog became about the elephant in the room. 

In my case, the elephant is my complicated mental and physical health.

People don't like to acknowledge the akward, the personal, the difficult.  For that reason, I've always struggled to decide how much to share.  The answer is: A LOT. This blog is pretty much my internal (incessant) chatter put in writing.  Partly because I need the outlet.  And partly because I hope to help someone feel more confident about facing their personal physical and mental challenges because I shared mine.

So many of you know, aside from my physical challenges, I have struggled with major depressive disorder my entire adult life.  And, every now and then, I have an episode that completely throws me for a loop.  We're not talking the kind where you cry at a commercial for the ASPCA (although I do that too), we're talking parlayzing despair that makes you curl up on your bed and lie there for hours, sobbing and immobile.

I've struggled a lot with it lately and, combined with my vertigo, it's made my training very difficult.

Let me get this out of the way if I have not made it PATENTLY obvious in my blog entries: I am a very fortunate person.  Overall, I have been extremely lucky.  I am thankful every day for everything I've been able to accomplish and for being able to work my way out of physical, mental and financial troubles. I have friends and family who love me, plenty to eat, and (most of the time) I have the gas I need to get where I'm going. But it is very frustrating to be saddled with the knowledge that you will be paying medical bills for the rest of your life, and since that's on top of the normal debt everyone else has, like student loans and car payments, your pay will almost never provide for much more - and, in some cases, may not even cover them all. I don't know when I will ever be able to take a vacation again, and there is a probablity that I'll never be able to retire.

I don't know if you remember, but at one point I didn't think I'd be able to afford any races for the rest of the year. By the grace of supportive friends, family, and my own crafty savings, I've been able to do a few of the cheapest races I could find.  If I work enough overtime before grad school starts, I will be able to afford to fly for the Rocket City Marathon in December, to see my parents and run the race.

For all of this, and for my continued mobility, I am tremendously grateful.

But if I told you that it didn't weigh heavily on me and affect nearly every decision I make, and that it didn't make dealing with MDD *that* much more difficult, I would be ignoring the elephant in the room.

Clinical depression is more than just being sad about a difficult situation.  It's a real illness, a chemical imbalance.  Help requires more than just telling someone to be positive or buck up. My request for you is that, if you know someone suffering from MDD or any form thereof, don't EVER tell them to just "be more positive."  It simply isn't that easy.

The thing that has helped ME the most has been to just get up and MOVE.  Get out of the house, go for a ride, go for a walk, a drive, fold the laundry, call a friend - basically any action that moves me forward.

I ask myself sometimes when I have one of those days: why don't you move, dammit?

And another things that helps is reflecting on my progress.

Remember my goals for 2012?

1. First, a crit (to say I did one), because even though it is crazy and new, it will help my speed training. - DONE
2. I'm also going on a tri-specific strength plan. I will be hitting the weights to try to cut my body fat drastically between now and March.  - I've been more dedicated to weights than ever before.
3. Then, to train for Florida 70.3, the Tour de Mom for the American Diabetes Association.  - Did TOUR de MOM, but 70.3 was just too expensive.
4. Also would like to do a 5k (to try to do one in somewhere between 25 and 28 minutes) - I did one in just over 28
5. The 70.3 itself, hopefully in 6:30 or so.  - Again, couldn't afford it, but hey, I figured other things out.
6. I won't have the cash to do many summer races, but if I do, they'll be short and cheap. - Which is pretty much where I am now, no summer races but some cheap fall ones if things go well.

That's all some pretty powerful stuff.

Annually my goals were:

1. Swim 120,000+ yards - I've swam 110,000+ already and it's July.
2. Ride 70 miles + per week - I'm a little short on this.
3. Run 10+ miles per week - I'm SUPER short on this but that's ok  because

MARATHON TRAINING STARTS
IN
TWO
DAYS!

And you will hear AAAAAALLLL about this in due time.

In the meantime, why don't you MOVE, dammit!?

Double The Fun . . .

My goals for the year were as follows:

Swim 120,000 yds (12,000/month OR 3,000/week)
Ride 70+ miles per week (280/month)
Run 10+ miles per week (40/month)

So here is how my actuals stack up so far!!

March's totals:
Bike: 3h 27m 11s - 60.33 Mi March has only been "on" for 7 days, so this isn't too far off
Run: 1h 32m 21s - 7.47 Mi This is just sad.  I should pick it up.
Swim: 2h 45m 23s - 6400 Yd This is ridiculous!
So, what you can see from March's numbers is that I really have a swim focus, because most of my time is dedicated to that.

2012 totals
Bike: 34h 25m 59s - 600.04 Mi 
Run: 7h 25m - 38.84 Mi
Swim: 10h 12m - 24000 Yd
Strength: 1h 05m
Yoga: 3h 55m



Double the Workouts, Double the Fun

And what you can see from so far this year is that I really need to run more and do strength more consistently!
Basically, the swim is going to take care of itself, but I need to focus on getting slightly longer or more frequent runs and possibly 1 more ride a week.

Which means . . .

It's about the time of the plan . . . .

To get serious about

TWO-A-DAYS!

I don't normally worry much about two-a-days for a sprint, but with my focus turning to whatever IronMAJ 70.3 I end up creating, it will definitely need to come into play.

I always grumble about things that aren't terribly pleasant (long pool swims, two-a-days), but then when they WORK . . . .

Not so much grumbling occurs.

Plain and simple: hard work gets results.

The next order of business is creating The iMAJination 5k, to be held in April.  I'm sure I'll tell you all about it, but I already have one participant lined up! 

The Only Thing Standing Between You and Your Goal

About 2 weeks ago I stole this picture from a friend on Facebook.  (Supposedly, Jordan Belfort said it.)   I don't expect the quotes that inspire me to have such an immediate use in my life,  but this one meant something to me right away.  Around the same time, I had a tough decision to make. 

That decision was to quit racing for the rest of the year.

I raced – and romped, at non-race events – a LOT last year.  This year, I have already accomplished a lot – a huge 5k PR, even tried my first bike races.  I have made huge strides and shown a lot of promise.

I have been extremely fortunate.

The decision was super-hard.  I just committed to training with a cycling team (they're super-casual, so there's that).  And it's not like triathlon or marathon or cycling is something I do – it's who I am. 

I AM a cyclist.  I AM a runner.  I AM a swimmer. I AM a triathlete.

Unfortunately, as much as I've tried to stop talking about it, I AM also a cancer patient. And it ain't cheap.  It's just not possible to afford to race AND pay for my medical care AND put money away for a rainy day.

I'm not gonna lie – I threw a bit of a Bitch Fit (BF).  (See yesterday's entry.)  It seemed like a cruel paradox: the number one thing that got me out of bed and on with my life, even during my sickest, most hypo moment, was knowing that – if I just DID it – I could get stronger, faster, fitter enough to toe the line at another race, be even better than I was before the C-bomb, and maybe even win some bling.  

So, about 20 minutes into said BF, I thought to myself, well, hell.  I'm not going to stop training.

Then I thought to myself, WTF are you going to train for?  People are going to think you're batshit crazy, training for imaginary races.

And that's when it hit me.

This is MAJsicle 2012 we're talking about here. 

I'm not going to train for imaginary races.  I'm going to train for iMAJinary races.

Which is far less crazy, right?

I say to The B, "I am still going to train for Race X, Y, Z and possibly F, even though I can't do them.  I am going to run my own race series, find places to do them and make you come cheer for me when I cross the 'finish line.'"  And, bless his heart, instead of saying, "You're batshit crazy," he says, "Or maybe a Fat Fairy will bring you a gift and you can do some of the real ones." 

A Fat Fairy?  Really?

So here is the plan for (drumroll please) The iMAJination Race Series.  Our slogan will be The Only Thing Standing Between You and Your Dreams is a Little iMAJInation.(Ok, so the slogan needs work.) 

1. March 18, 2012 - Tour de Mom 2012 (this one is already taken care of, and the money was raised for the American Diabetes Association, so I can't take credit for this one.)
2. May 20, 2012 - The Central Florida iMAJination Sprint Triathlon.  This will be a sprint-distance triathlon somewhere in Central Florida with a cycling leg that is set up like a circuit race (5, 2.xx-mile loops)
3. Some time in summer, there will be a "Crit."
4. There will also be a 5k or 10k. Or both.
5. September 30, 2012 - IronMAJ 70.3.  This will be a 70.3-distance race most likely with the swim leg in Lake Tuscawilla.  But on the same day.  Unlike IronMAJ 2011, which was a full Ironman but across three months.
6. The NYC or DC iMAJathon:  on the date of one of those two races, in a location to be determined, I will design and run a full 26.2-mile course.

If the Fat Fairy comes, I'll do some real races, but otherwise, that's where the hard work comes in. I am going to have to set up courses, full-scale water and nutrition stops for myself and the whole 9.

I can still:

1. Swim 120,000+ yards (on my way!)
2. Ride 70 miles + per week (on my way!)
3. Run 10+ miles per week (this one needs some work)

Let's do this, Brutus.

Getting Better, Not Bitter - and the Week in Song Lyrics

It has been a short training week.  I'm am coming down with a miserable sinus/cold thing.  Major yuck.

Next week, training begins for the 2012 Tour de Mom!  Since I'm not feeling great, there are no significant training updates.  I am laying low until I am less snotty.

On the non-training front, there is a lot going on, though.  For one thing: all my PhD applications are in . . .  let's hope I get in somewhere!  For another: work is super busy.  Yet another: working on a really interesting research project this semester.

One of the biggest things going on is that I have a lot of friends around me going through hard times.  We have talked about just how tough it is to not get bitter about bad circumstances, especially when they happen in 3’s, 6’s or even 16’s. But letting something make you bitter, I have realized through my own trials, is the same thing as letting your circumstances beat you.   

You hear me talk a lot about my Dad-isms.  One of my favorites is "there are no victims, only volunteers."  I agreed with this completely until someone said: what about certain types of cancer, or freak accidents, or your dog breaking his leg?  Surely you didn't do something to cause all of those to happen?  Not everything is in our control.  We were talking about how there a lot of people in life to whom shit just happens.  I know, because for a long time I was one of those people.  (Hell, some would still consider me one of those people.)

At that time in my life, the people around me were not those people.   So no one understood what it was like to have your contacts pop out while driving, your dog break his leg, a hurricane flood your wood floors and your heart stop beating correctly all in the same week.  But another part was my mentality - a combination of the attitude why does this kind of shit always happen to me? why can't it happen to someone else?  and a tendency to unknowingly create an obstacle to solving the problem that in turn keeps the problem firmly rooted.  The longer I held onto that feeling of what next? why me?, the harder it was to let go of it, and the more it stood between me and any possible solutions.

When dad says there are no victims, only volunteers, he's acknowledging that we all play some little part in causing what happens to us, whether we like it or not. 
There are many things in life that we do not control. But I realized that, in the cases of things we can't control, it's not our actions or thoughts leading up to those circumstances which cause them to occur. It is, however, as our actions and thoughts after they occur that determines what happens next.

Just a few days ago, a Facebook friend posted this, and it fit perfectly with my conversation with dad and my friends. It isn't just about being a victim by creating bad circumstances for yourself - it is about discarding the "victim mentality" even when things you can’t control happen. Because they always will. It's about saying to yourself, "I am not going to be bitter. I am going to be better.”

Without any further adieu, the week in song lyrics, in honor of making fresh starts on your own:

I'm gonna marry the night
I won't give up on my life
I'm a warrior queen, live passionately, tonight
I'm gonna marry the dark
Gonna make love to the stars
I'm a soldier to my own emptiness
I am a winner....
-Marry the Night, Lady Gaga

Thy-Highs

Anyone who's had to deal with thyroid cancer or disease understands the inevitable energy swings.  Mostly, you feel like you got run over by a truck, but if you're lucky and/or good, you can manage your energy properly and end up with a few days a week where you feel normal or even amazing.  

I call these my "Thy-Highs."

I've learned lots of crazy things from having both cancer and thyroid issues.  At first (as some of you know), when I started feeling ill, there were an endless string of lows.  Every day, without fail, was a no-energy, sick-to-my-stomach, pit of despair.  After my surgery and they've regulated my synthroid better, I am gradually picking up.

Is some of that my medicine? Sure.  But a lot of it is mental.

It doesn't mean I don't still have lows, but I have learned to capitalize on the highs.  On the days when I HAVE energy, I seize it by the cojones.  I laugh, I plan, I run, I ride, I work, I clean, and - most of all - I revel in the beauty of having a clear mind and a strong body. 

I do this all knowing that a Thy-Low could come at any moment.

And here is an important distinction: you can't live in fear of the lows, because then you forget to both embrace and take advantage of the highs.  You just understand that they - like the highs - are fleeting.  Back in the day, I would completely ruin my Thy-Highs by worrying about when/if/where another Thy-Low would come.

For there's a change in the weather

There's a change in the sea

From now on, there'll be a change in me

My walk will be different

My talk and my name

Nothin' about me's gonna be the same

I'm gonna change my way of livin'

And if that ain't enough

I'm gonna change the way I strut my stuff

Remember that?

There've been some changes made.

Now, when a Thy-Low comes, I embrace it with open arms.  I sleep, I try to relax, and I don't stress about it.  I know that the Thy-Lows are just as temporary as the Thy-Highs, and before I even know it I will be running, biking, swimming, cleaning, studying, grading, researching again.

And seizing it by the cojones.

Kickin' Off 2012!

Welcome to 2012 and the first blog entry of the year! 

How was your New Year's Eve?  Mine was . . . . . boozy.  In my 20s, I could knock back quite the cocktail, but now that I'm - well, not 20-something anymore - not so much.

Ever heard that toast may all your joys be pure joys, and all your pain, champagne?  There's a reason pain and champagne are in there so close together.  (I don't normally get champagne hangovers, but I don't normally drink that much of it, either.)

OK, so now that I have confessed my sins, you'll be proud to know that I've also done my penance: 30 windy miles in the little chain ring. 

Remember my new version? MAJsicle 2012?  As little as I party anymore, 2012 will be filled with even less partying.  Why? Because that's not what The New MAJ Would Do.  I have some big plans/goals for this year, and getting White Girl Wasted (even once a year) isn't in there. 

In the past, MAJ would work on New Things.  MAJ would try something crazy.   MAJ would see how long she could go.  Well, in 2012, it's all about changing it up.  So I'm working on getting FASTER at things I've already done and toning up to look more like an athlete.

The first part of the year is my off-season.  As I gear back up for training,  and start working on SPEED, I will be doing shorter, faster things. 

1. First, a crit (to say I did one), because even though it is crazy and new, it will help my speed training. 
2. I'm also going on a tri-specific strength plan.  I will be hitting the weights to try to cut my body fat drastically between now and March. 
3. Then, to train for Florida 70.3, the Tour de Mom for the American Diabetes Association. 
4. Also would like to do a 5k (to try to do one in somewhere between 25 and 28 minutes)
5. The 70.3 itself, hopefully in 6:30 or so.
6. I won't have the cash to do many summer races, but if I do, they'll be short and cheap.

Like I said, SPEED is my focus.  I am trying to learn how to go hard or go home.

Some side goals:

1. Swim 120,000+ yards
2. Ride 70 miles + per week
3. Run 10+ miles per week

The final part of the year is endurance.  Since I have to flip back to endurance for marathon training, I may do another century.  We'll see.  My goal marathon is NYC; if I don't get in to NYC I'll aim for Marine Corps.  I don't know what my marathon goal will be - it will depend on the year. Maybe to get a sub-5 marathon under my belt.  But I am playing that part by ear.

Of course, some of this also depends on another big, scary and exciting event in my life . . . PhD acceptance/rejection letters.  And no, I don't plan on celebrating (or mourning) with anywhere near the level of booze that New Year's included.

As much as I love a good celebration, I am sure I'll figure something out.

Happy New Year!  (or, as I love to say, HAPPY NEW YOU!)

BLINGtastic End to 2011

On Christmas Eve, this showed up at my door. 

It's my special medal for doing two RnR Marathons in one year.  Guess they figure if you're crazy enough to do multiple marathons you deserve some extra bling.  LOVE it! It is my FAVORITE medal!

Then these showed up under the Christmas tree.  For tris . . .

For marathons and halfs (although I have so many halfs, I might need a separate one for those)

I feel like a rock star . . .these suckers are super heavy with all these medals danglin' away.

New Year's Eve is my favorite holiday.  I think it trumps my birthday and Christmas.  And it is no secret that my party life is not huge (especially since I got serious about training.  Have YOU tried running at lactate threshold with a hangover?)  So, this one time a year, I go all out and party like it's 1999.

This year is special.  It's also the 3-year anniversary of my relationship with the B. We've had a lot of ups and downs. It's hard to believe it's been 3 years.  Who knows what is ahead for us.  And, best of all, 4 of my best friends in the UNIVERSE are joining me to celebrate 12/31/11.
 
I have already started planning my attack on 2012.  I will be sharing some of training/MAJsicle plans with you soon enough.  But for now, know that I will be spending my hung-over New Year's Day hanging up my bling and putting away Christmas decorations.  Oh, and let's not forget: eating collard greens and blackeyed peas.  Click here to learn why!
 
Enjoy your last few days of 2011!

MAJsicle 2012

It’s no secret that I’m a ‘Droidhead.  I love the user interface, the software, the equipment, and the open market.  And one of the things I love about Android software releases? They have the coolest names. My last Android phone had an operating system called Gingerbread. The next incarnation is called Ice Cream Sandwich. Yum!  

About 2 years ago, I decided that I needed to re-invent myself. I called this iMAJination of myself MAJ, v3.1.2. What I discovered today as I reflected on this old blog entry is this: for the first time in my life, every single one of the goals I set forth for myself for 2012 were completed.

 

And I did it in the face of some giant odds.

 

Which means the next iMAJination is really gonna kick some ass.

 

 

The specific goals I set forth for MAJ, version 3.1.2, were: 

1. getting the thyroid biopsy (done – unfortunately, we know the result was malignant, but we also now know I’m currently in the clear.)
2. getting the house sold (done!)
3. getting my self-confidence back (well underway!)
4. eating healthy again (also well underway – ask me about the upset tummy I had all night from all the rich food this season. Apparently I’ve been eating SO healthy that the holidays give me a tummyache)
5. working out like I used to (both of the above to help lose weight in addition to feeling better and eventually train again) I’ve done so well with this one that I’ve actually DOUBLED my workout stats from last year
6. graduate (done, and then some)
7. take the GRE (done TWICE, and then some)
8. get promoted again  (well, I didn’t accomplish this one, but I DID get a WAY better job, so we’ll say DONE)
9. oh, and keep things straight with the guy (this one will never be accomplished unless I get a new dude altogether so we’ll bypass it for now.)

I need to figure out what the next version of MAJ needs to accomplish.  Plus it needs to have a cool Droidy name.

 

How about MAJsicle?  I'm not a big fan of creamsicles, or dreamsicles (or whatever you know them as), but it sounds cool.  And tasty.  And refreshing.

 

 

 

So while I ruminate on what the goals will be for the MAJsicle Revision, here are a couple of parting thoughts:

 

FIRST

I am inviting all my girlfriends to make a pact with me for 2012.  The pact is this: we will try to make this version of ourselves the best to date.  Instead of writing resolutions, we are sitting down to determine who do I want to be?  Then, in times of self-doubt, fear, difficulty or worry, we are going to remind each other to ask, "is this what the old me would do, or what the NEW me would do?"

NEXT

I have ended 2011 with over 100,000 yards swam, over 1800 miles ridden, and almost 500 miles ran.  While individually these are not a lot in some areas, they represent more than double the volume at which I trained in 2010.

 

2011 totals

Bike: 117h 28m 47s - 1889.05 Mi
Run: 101h 35m 37s - 466.65 Mi
Swim: 45h 36m 41s - 100363.7 Yd
Strength: 15h 35m
Stretching: 10m 20s
Walking: 3h 20m
Yoga: 1h 35m 20s

2010 totals
Bike: 40h 31m 45s - 521.17 Mi
Run: 38h 27m 36s - 153.64 Mi
Swim: 8h 55m 04s - 14400 Yd
Strength: 5h 02m
Run: 55m 33s

FINALLY

Do yourself a flavor (you decide what to call it) and hop on over and read this great article shared with me by a Tri Friend.  You'll thank me.